COMMUNICATING FOR CLOSENESS

Dr Debi Gilmore LMFT

I believe that the process of communicating effectively is an art that, to master, requires practice, refinement, and consistency. We tend to admire those who seem to be able to command an audience with ease and grace, and we are drawn to those who can turn an otherwise drab gathering into one we never want to end. Some people seem to be able to tell a story with such finesse and crafting of words that our minds are instantly carried away to the imaginary place, and we truly believe we are there.

The art of communication must also be applied to those conversations that involve difficult topics, or discussions about relationship issues. These types of conversations can quickly escalate and end up reinforcing negative patterns already in place. This can also cause even more tension and emotional hurt that creates greater distance in the relationship.

William Edward Norris said:

“If your lips can keep from slips, five things observe with care: To whom you speak; of whom you speak; and how, and when, and where.

The process of communicating effectively really requires an understanding of the right tools, practice, refinement, and intentional steps along the way. Those who work at it, become masters and artists, and experience richer connections with associates, friends, and loved ones. Effective communication involves many aspects of our daily lives including the art of listening, the art of complaining, and the art of validation. Using these three basic concepts is a great launch into the mastery of the art of nurturing our most important relationships.

1.    The Art of Listening

2.    The Art of Complaining

3.    The Art of Validation

THE ART OF LISTENING

The most difficult aspect of communication is listening. We can easily convey information, and the process of telling others what we think or feel about a certain topic or situation is the easiest part. The challenge for most is to be able to briefly set aside our assumptions, opinions, and thoughts in order to listen intently to what someone else has to say about that topic or situation.

Typically, while one person in the conversation is sharing their point of view, the other may be actively and internally formulating their “come back.” Without realizing it, they are focusing so deeply on their own perspective that they ignore the person or persons participating in the conversation. It is difficult to have a rich exchange of information if one or both are disengaged due to their own through process.

A good and effective conversation requires specific and intentional steps in order to prepare the way for understanding, collaboration, and success in the communication process. An important part of listening is to reflect and respond by repeating the speaker’s exact words. For example, “So, you are feeling like we are more distant than ever before. You said you feel lonely and disregarded. Did I get that right?” That kind of response indicates you are truly hearing your partner, and verifying you heard them the way they wanted you to hear them. Another response might be, “I hear you say you were hoping I would answer when you called, but when I didn’t answer you felt confused and disappointed. I am so sad you felt that way, but I really am glad you are telling me.”

THE ART OF COMPLAINING

In any committed relationship, it has to be “legal” or okay to complain. When a bee stings us, we cry out, “Ouch!” When our feelings are hurt for whatever reason, it is most productive to be able to say, “Ouch, that hurt me.” Additionally, we should feel safe to complain, and not worry about any negative repercussions that might follow.

Lionel Kendrick said,

“The real challenge that we face in our communications with others is to condition our hearts to have concern for the condition of others. We will then warm the hearts of those who may be suffering in silence. As we meet people with special needs along life’s way, we can then make their journey brighter by the things that we say.”

The process of communication doesn’t always involve happy thoughts, exciting news, and information that is easily digestible. All relationships involve the difficulties and challenges of daily living including family life, work life, school life, etc. Sometimes we avoid talking about the challenges we face or struggles within our relationships because we don’t want to disrupt the peace or create tension with our loved ones or friends.

When we are hurt by a loved one, holding on to the hurt only makes it worse. We might believe the pain will eventually dissipate and go away. The pain or discomfort of a regrettable incident can cause unrest or resentment and tends to resurface when triggered by another painful event. Sometimes an event that happened decades ago will resurface and cloud our ability to find comfort and reassurance from loved ones. It can erode trust, emotional safety, and deeper connection.

The Difference Between Complaining and Criticism

Before exploring the art of complaining, it is useful to understand the distinct difference between criticism and complaining. Some believe that constructive criticism is helpful, the assumption being that when someone is criticized or corrected, they will use that information to improve, rise up, and become stronger and better. This may just be a problem of semantics once we understand the definition of criticism. What people may be describing as constructive criticism may be better termed corrective feedback.

When someone receives feedback in the form of criticism, it can and usually is perceived as an attack on their value and naturally imprints on their minds as a negative experience. It is said that when we go to a job review, we might have been given 30 positive observations of our offerings on the job, but the thing we will remember most is the singular piece of feedback that suggests we didn’t quite measure up. However, if the feedback is given and accompanied by ways to improve performance or results, the person is set up to succeed and leaves feeling like they are valued by their superior.

Criticism is an attack on the person that devalues who they are. An example would be when the feedback is given in absolutes such as:

“You just never get it right.”

“I can never count on you.”

“You are so dumb, and I can’t believe I trusted you!”

“You are just incapable of doing anything worthwhile.”

These examples are extreme, but when we become more aware of how we offer feedback, it may be surprising how often these extremes and absolutes are used in our everyday dialogues with, or assessments of others.

Complaining is an observation or feedback on behavior or situations that hurt or are disappointing. It has to be “legal” to complain in any important relationship. Consider the following scenarios:

When a bee stings us, we complain with “ouch!”

When a bone breaks, we complain with “ouch!”

When we stumble and skin our knee we complain with “ouch!”

However, at some point early in our lives, we are taught to stop complaining. The general rule is that we should be old enough to bear disappointment, and many families establish the unwritten rule that we do not complain about hard things. This causes the incident to be symbolically swept under the rug, and the hurt person or persons are expected to “get over it,” and heal on their own. It does not work that way... hurt is stuffed, and as stated earlier, will only rise up to haunt us when another hurtful incident occurs. The relationship takes a hit, the persons who were hurt experience greater distance, and emotional walls receive more bricks and mortar to block connection.

The art of complaining involves communicating about the incident in such a way that we begin with the impact of the hurtful situation, talk about the emotion that occurred, and ask for a resolve that is productive and empowering for both. I like to teach this using the “Sandwich Method.”

THE ART OF VALIDATION

Most people misunderstand the true meaning or definition of validation. One type of validation has to do with the confirmation of truth or supporting fact. However, in this case we are focusing on the validation of a person and their sense of acceptance and belonging. This type of validation of a person, state, or system means to convey or confirm that they, and what they have to say are valuable or worthwhile.

Acknowledging and Reinforcing Someone’s Value

Lionel Kendrick said,

“The real challenge that we face in our communications with others is to condition our hearts to have concern for the condition of others. We will then warm the hearts of those who may be suffering in silence. As we meet people with special needs along life’s way, we can then make their journey brighter by the things that we say.”

Sometimes using an analogy is the most effective way to relate to this type of validation.

The FedEx Analogy

When we order something of value from a shipper, and they select FedEx as the carrier, the shipper typically requires a signature before the box or valuable item will be released on delivery. The driver does not just lay the box by the door of the destination. Instead, they ring the bell, ask the receiver to sign on an electronic tablet, and then the item is released.

When the person signs for the box, they are not suggesting they love it, that they will keep it, that it isn’t broken, or that it is the correct item. They are only signing for the box or item.

Similarly, when we are in a conversation with someone, our first task is to “sign” for their package of information. This is not a form of agreement for the opinion or statement being shared but is instead just an acknowledgement of what the person shared. Even more effective in the process is to reflect what is heard so the speaker knows they were heard and validated in their ability to share. If we can apply this analogy to all of our conversations with others, we will be less likely to feel threatened by the conversation, and can reasonably expect that our sharing of our own differing viewpoint will also be received with respect and consideration.

CONNECTING TALK

“Hey, are you doing ok? I noticed you’ve been a bit quiet. I’m here if you want to talk...” This is an example of what we call “Connecting Talk” which is a style of communication that invites closeness, greater understanding, and moments of comfort and clarity. When couples move into a style of communication that is connecting, the conversation tends to move to a deeper level. Healthy communication is one of the most important elements of human relationships, and when relationships suffer, you can be certain Connecting Talk is absent and unhealthy patterns have taken hold.

Connecting Talk encourages emotional connection, and this deeper connection is much more likely as each partner is open to a more intimate awareness of both their own and their partner’s experience. When couples use Connecting Talk, they share a fuller range of information: feelings, desires, deeper aspects of self and their partner’s experience, as well as exploring unmet needs together. The challenge is that Connecting Talk requires vulnerability and authenticity, which in turn requires courage and lots of practice.   

 Positive Impact of Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk prompts the couple to investigate and understand each other’s experience. When couples practice and improve on Connecting Talk, the relationship flourishes, and there are multiple benefits both personally and relationally. The couple is more likely to find acceptance and to take accountability for their own actions and influence in the relationship.  They are more likely to disclose information with honesty while feeling an increase in emotional safety. A willingness to be vulnerable sends positive messages to their partner, which increases the likelihood of openness and risk. Most importantly, defensiveness and blame are less likely to cloud the relationship.  

The How of Connecting Talk 

 What does Connecting Talk “look like?” The following are specific examples of ways you can incorporate connection in your communication with each other:

 Speaking for yourself and not your partner 

Owning and sharing your own experience 

Identifying difficult emotions 

Sharing complaints without attacking 

Acknowledging differences 

Managing escalating emotions

Some examples of things you might say to your partner are, “It is hard for me when you say, ‘be ready in 10 minutes’ and you are not ready for another ½ hour.” Another example would be, “I am really struggling with my job, and I would like to talk to you about making a career change,” or “I am willing to take the kids to the park so you can work on your project.” A key phrase that works universally is, “I really need your help when...”  

Practice Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk requires intentional, thoughtful shifts in your daily communication. Consider setting aside a time to practice with your partner.  Share with each other something about yourself that you may have never shared before. Try to find something to share that is safe but personal. Some examples would be, (1) A most embarrassing moment; (2) A happy moment you wish you could experience again; or (3) A time when you were afraid or alone.  

Here is a list of questions you might use to get the conversation rolling and deeper:

1.  Please help me understand.

2.  What would you like me to better understand?

3.  Do you know what I just learned from you?

4.  I’m wondering if you could tell me about the most difficult part of your day?

5.  What is the heaviest thing on your heart right now?

6.  When was the last time you felt joy and what was it like for you?

7.  Can I tell you what my favorite thing is about you?

8.  What’s the most important thing you’ve learned recently?

9.  When you feel sad, what do you do to cope?

10. I’m curious about your top 5 core values in life?  

 Share and discuss what it was like to hear about your partner’s experience or responses. What was surprising about their response?  What was it like to share your memories with your partner? Incorporate Connecting Talk in your daily communication and notice how it brightens your day and strengthens your relationship with your sweetheart.