TRUST: IS IT POSSIBLE TO REBUILD BROKEN TRUST?
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
Trust is not a fixed trait in a relationship—it’s a living system that can be damaged, repaired, and even strengthened over time. When trust is broken, the rupture can feel overwhelmingly painful, and certainly destabilizing in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be permanent.
What restores trust is not perfection but the building of a track record. This means the steady, repeated practice of honesty, accountability, emotional presence, and follow-through. Repair—done with sincerity, empathy, and consistent behavioral change—can create a deeper sense of safety than existed before the break.
In this way, trust becomes stronger not because nothing ever went wrong, but because both people learned they can navigate difficulty together and come out more connected on the other side. It is a myth to believe that once trust is broken it is a death sentence for a relationship. When the right steps are taken, and the correct process is followed, the rebuilding of trust can be rewarding, security-building, and life-changing for those in the relationship.
Here are the basics:
Trust breaks when there is inconsistency, dishonesty, secrecy, disconnection, disrespect, self-protection, or a lack of repair.
Trust builds when there is consistency, transparency, responsiveness, accountability, respect, and shared vulnerability.
Building trust after it’s been broken is a slow, intentional process—not a single conversation or apology. It begins with acknowledging the harm clearly and without defensiveness, allowing the injured person’s experience to be fully heard and validated. Trust grows as accountability is paired with consistent, observable change over time: doing what you say you will do, being transparent, and staying emotionally present, especially when it’s uncomfortable.
Patience is essential, because trust rebuilds at the pace of safety, not reassurance. When repair is repeated and reliable, the relationship can move from fragility to resilience, grounded in the shared knowledge that even after rupture, connection can be restored through care, honesty, and commitment.
First, Let’s Talk About What Breaks Trust
Repeated moments of disconnection or withdrawing during conflict and tense conversations only reinforces insecurity. We might have a tendency to shut down instead of engaging. Not showing up emotionally, even more importantly, when your partner needs comfort sends the message that you are not only unavailable, but also not interested. The main message becomes: “You’re not safe with me when it matters.”
Inconsistency creates uncertainty and over time sends the message that our partner cannot rely on us. Saying one thing and doing another or making promises that we don’t honor or become forgotten or minimized damages trust. When we are unpredictable in communication, for example, failing to respond to texts or phone calls. The question becomes, “Can I count on you when I want to connect?” or the belief, “Maybe I don’t really matter.”
Dishonesty includes lying, hiding, or twisting the truth, and serves to reinforce the inability to trust. Other forms of dishonesty include omitting facts that end up causing the partner to feel betrayed. Minimizing the impact of the betrayal or deflecting responsibility causes further damage to trust.
We might rationalize and tell ourselves, if they don’t know about it, they won’t get hurt. Or if this gets out, they will never forgive me, or thinking that some infractions are small and insignificant, and don’t merit sharing with your partner. Any lack of transparency, keeping of secrets, or omission of truths are a huge burden to carry. Once the partner learns about the event or behaviors, the message is: “I’m not giving you reality, so you can’t make informed decisions.”
Disrespect or dismissing someone’s feelings including mocking or belittling causes the other to feel inferior or devalued. It is interesting to note that most couples seeking therapy say that they each long to feel respected by their partner. Anytime disrespect is felt, it causes embarrassment, levels of shame, and the message that we are not valued. This signals: “Your humanity doesn’t matter enough here.”
Self-protection over relationship protection includes defensiveness, blame-shifting, a refusal to repair and a refusal to be accountable for our errors can destroy trust. Defensiveness is one of Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He found that this is one of the elements of couple conflict that can eventually destroy the relationship.
When we lead out with defensiveness, we are not listening to the other, and we are working to toss aside the other’s feelings. Defensiveness backfires and becomes fuel for even greater conflict. As the tension escalate, both parties can become emotionally flooded. Defensiveness, refusal to repair, and refusal to be accountable signals: “I’m more interested in being right than being connected.”
Lack of repair or an unwillingness to talk about our pain or disappointment in the relationship causes even the best and most healthy relationships to rupture. Trust erodes when there is no apology, no empathy, and no follow-through in change.
Every human is prone to make mistakes, whether large or small. However, offering an authentic apology requires careful consideration as to how we deliver it. A sincere message of regret might sound like, “I am so sad I hurt you. What is it I can do to help you heal?” When we just offer, “I am sorry,” it is a simple phrase with not much substance.
When we refuse to apologize altogether, we set our partner up to feel abandoned in their pain, devalued as a part of the relationship, and invalidated as a human with feelings. This signals: “You’re on your own after harm happens.”
It might be helpful to talk briefly about rebuilding trust after a betrayal or huge relationship injury. Once trust is broken, the building of trust is different. Now, it must be built on emotional safety and a new track record.
What Builds Trust
Consistency and Reliability
Trust grows when someone’s actions match their words over time. One of the most important ways we can build or repair trust is to follow through with promises or commitments we have made.
Over time, as we consistently show up, and are reliable in completing tasks we agreed to do, the relationship is strengthened and those with whom we have made a commitment are conditioned to just know they can count on us. Predictability in words and behaviors is empowering for the security and emotional safety of the relationship.
If you show up when you say you will, an implicit trust develops such that eventually your partner doesn’t even have to wonder. In fact, it is a good sign when someone has committed to something and when they don’t follow through you can say, “That’s not like them. Something must be wrong.”
Reliability means keeping promises, even small ones. Consistency in moods and reactions are also important, and when moods and reactions become predictable, trust is reinforced. While it is difficult to remain calm during stressful times, it is important to manage those escalated emotions such that you claim them and own that you are upset.
This bottom line is, with consistency and reliability you are sending the message: “You can count on me.” Our brains like patterns—consistency makes people feel safe.
Transparency and honesty and establishing a “no secrets” policy reinforces a sense of trust and stability in the relationship. The safest, most secure relationships include transparency and a policy of “no secrets.” Open communication must be the norm. This includes being upfront and clear about intentions, expectations, changes, or even mistakes.
It takes courage to share our honest thoughts and feelings, but when we manage our emotions during that sharing, using self-regulation, it makes the open communication much safer and less threatening.
The pattern of transparency and honesty conveys: “I have nothing to hide, and you can trust that there are no secrets.” People trust those who tell the truth kindly and without threats. People trust those who admit their mistakes and take ownership of the times they might have hurt others. Another important distinction about honesty is to not distort information. This means not downplaying or exaggerating facts. The bottom line: It is human to make mistakes, and people value and trust honesty more than perfection. This conveys: “When I cause harm, I take responsibility and make it right.”
Empathic responsiveness means responding with acceptance or validation of someone’s experience, even when it is something that is difficult to hear. In difficult conversations this means listening without defensiveness and demonstrating a willingness to be emotionally available.
This conveys: “Your inner world matters to me.” We tend to trust people who treat our feelings as valid and with respect. We need to be able to “feel how we feel” and know that it is ok that we feel the way we do.
Listening without dismissing is a gift we can give and sets up the conversation to be much safer and more productive. We must also try to understand the other person’s perspective. Responding with warmth, acceptance, and not judgment can be difficult, but if we approach a challenging conversation with that goal, we will achieve much greater collaboration and instantly build new trust. The expression of empathy and compassion creates a sense of “emotional safety,” and trust deepens quickly.
Competence in emotional awareness is a skill we must cultivate. We trust people who are emotionally aware and willing to co-regulate emotion in the interactions of the relationship. Even in times when it gets difficult, sending the message, “This relationship matters to me, and we are working on this together,” is a powerful boost for trust. Both parties feel more secure when each person is actively working to manage their feelings and avoid any temptation to attack or criticize.
Vulnerability and mutual sharing of thoughts and feelings builds and maintains trust. Disclosure of personal information instantly changes the relationship. Trust grows when both people open up piece by piece with equal sharing. Equal listening is a very important process of disclosure. This means sharing personal thoughts and fears without worrying that our thoughts or fears will be used against us.
Talking about hopes, insecurities, and doubts deepens the relationship. Allowing someone to see our real self brings the relationship to a new level. This doesn’t mean oversharing, but within reason, just gradually letting someone in.
Appropriate self-disclosure means vulnerable sharing about something and then inviting your partner or loved one to do the same. Doing this gradually, and consistently, opens the door to further, safer sharing throughout the life of the relationship. This process helps build secure attachment through mutual openness. Ultimately, this conveys: “We can be real with each other and feel safe as we share.”
Boundaries and Respect deepens trust. Boundaries are honoring those limits does not limit or compromise closeness. Boundaries protect the relationship allowing each person to have preferences, individuality, and differences. This effectively sends the message: “You are safe, I see you, and I respect you.”
People trust others who respect personal space. This means not pushing or pressuring the other to go beyond where they feel comfortable. One aspect of boundaries that is especially difficult for most people is being able to say “no,” and accept “no” without fear of punishment. Setting and honoring boundaries shows that you value yours and their autonomy.
Fairness & Good Intentions builds security and trust We trust people when we believe they want good things for us. When we can believe they are not trying to take unfair advantage of us, our trust for them deepens. There must be no hint of hidden motives. Good intentions often matter more than perfect actions.
Time and Patience play an important role in the building or rebuilding of trust. Trust grows like a plant—small, steady, and through repeated experiences, not grand gestures. People usually build trust in others through a mix of consistent behavior, emotional signals, and shared experience. Here’s a clear breakdown of what actually creates trust in real life:
The Power of Trust in a Relationship
When trust has been genuinely restored, relationships often feel steadier, more grounded, and more honest than they did before the rupture. There is usually a deeper sense of safety—not because everything is perfect, but because both people have seen what repair looks like and know they can survive hard moments together.
Communication becomes more open and less defensive. Vulnerability becomes easier. Boundaries are clearer, and follow-through is more consistent. There’s often a quiet confidence in the relationship—a sense of, “We’ve been tested, and we know how to come back to each other.” Repaired relationships tend to carry a new layer of maturity, empathy, and resilience, as both people understand more fully what they need from each other to stay connected.
