When Guilt Turns into Shame—How to Stop the Spiral
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
Are there times when you have made a mistake, and feel consumed with humiliation or embarrassment? Maybe did something counter to what you value, betrayed someone you love or even betrayed yourself in a commitment you made to do better. In those times of anguish, we can either be paralyzed by shame and an overall sense we will never be able to change, or we can be driven and motivated by an awareness that forgiveness and change is possible.
A very important part of developing confidence and courage to face hard things is being able to discern the difference between shame and guilt. I have spent years exploring the difference between these two terms due to my work with people convinced there is no way back to respect and credibility. Shame and guilt could also be referred to as godly sorrow and worldly guilt. Many of my clients ask, “I did something that is utterly unforgiveable—I want to know if there is a way to overcome this pain.” This cry for help is a sure sign of personal growth because it reveals their motivation to become stronger, better, and closer to God.
Guilt becomes harmful when it stops being a signal and starts to become an identity.
How Guilt Quietly Turns Into Shame
Healthy guilt says, “I did something wrong.”
Shame says, “I am something wrong.”
Shame thrives in silence, secrecy, and self-criticism. It often shows up as relentless replaying of past mistakes, emotional withdrawal, irritability, or a sense of unworthiness. From a faith perspective, shame distorts how we see God—turning Him into a judge we hide from rather than a healer we run toward. This often stems from living in an environment where mistakes were immediately met with criticism, blame, and harsh punishment.
In our early years of life, we learn right from wrong, good from evil by making mistakes and then being given the opportunity to repair and try again. If we have a sense that our mistakes need to be hidden so we don’t disappoint or anger our superiors, we develop an overall sense that we are eternally flawed, incapable of change, and devalued as a person.
Why Shame Feels So Convincing
Shame feels powerful because it masquerades as responsibility. Many people believe that being hard on themselves will prevent future mistakes. Shame paralyzes rather than transforms and causes us to want to hide, or at least hide our actions so no one will see our weaknesses or human-ness.
Moving From Shame to Godly Sorrow
Breaking free from shame isn’t about minimizing wrongdoing—it’s about responding to it in a healthier way. Research and clinical experience both show that lasting change comes from accountability paired with compassion, not punishment. In Romans 8:1 we are taught that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Conviction invites change; condemnation crushes hope.
Here are three steps I often share with clients:
Name the behavior, not your identity
Instead of telling yourself, “I’m a failure,” try something like, “I made a mistake and I can take responsibility.” This actually requires some level of self-value, being able to offer self-compassion for when we don’t measure up to a standard we had set for ourselves.
Move toward repair, not self-punishment
Ask, “What does ownership look like here?” Apologies, boundaries, or changed behavior are far more healing than beating yourself up. Additionally, an apology that is consistent with healthy guilt would be, “I am so sad I hurt you. Is there something I can do to take away the hurt?” Shifting behavior would be identifying what went wrong, and having a solid plan to do it differently next time. Awareness is the first giant leap toward change.
Practice safe and honest disclosure
Shame loses its power when we bring our struggles into the presence of safe people—trusted friends, a therapist, or spiritual leaders who respond with truth and grace. Remember, disclosure and transparency counter shame, and while it certainly requires courage, those with whom we share feel greater respect for the accountability and personal strength it takes to disclose a mistake.
A Question Worth Sitting With
Does my guilt lead me closer to the Savior, and others—or does it push me into hiding?
If it pulls you toward honesty, growth, and repair, it is likely Godly Sorrow. If it leads to isolation, harsh self-judgment, or hopelessness, shame may be at work. The distinct difference is the direction in which you lean. Shame causes us to want to hide, shrink, slip into darkness, whereas Godly Sorrow is accompanied by a longing for God’s grace and loving help.
How to Respond When Others Shame You
Have you found yourself in a situation in which you find you have either said something unfortunate or did something you wish you hadn’t. Then, someone calls it out and brings attention to your mistake while others are witnessing the event. Few things wound us more deeply than being shamed—especially by people we care about. Shame doesn’t correct; it condemns. And while we can’t always control how others speak to us, we can choose how we respond.
Identify What is Really Happening
Shame sounds like global judgments about who you are, not what you did. You might hear someone say, “What’s wrong with you?” or, “You always mess things up.” “You should be better than this.” It stings and can cause a moment of shock or agonizing embarrassment. Before reacting, silently name it: This is shame, not helpful or corrective feedback. That moment of clarity alone can interrupt its power.
It is even more helpful to recognize that anyone who makes a mistake and is called out on the mistake in front of others would be deeply uncomfortable. Instead of protecting your feelings, the person calling you out on your mistake is in effect, causing you to feel small, de-valued, and undermined in your confidence. When you are able to shift your perspective this way, you are already protecting yourself from shame, and redirecting your focus to the other person’s disrespectful treatment of you.
Separate Truth From Toxicity
Not all corrective feedback is wrong—but criticism is NOT corrective feedback. Criticism serves as a judgment of your worth. Shame wraps truth in contempt. In these situations, ask yourself:
Is there something I need to take responsibility for?
Or is this person attacking my character rather than addressing behavior?
You can hold accountability and responsibility without accepting humiliation. Godly Sorrow is specific and restorative; shame is vague and destructive.
Respond Without Absorbing the Shame
In situations when someone else is being disrespectful, criticizing, or shaming, you don’t need to defend, explain, or collapse. Calm, grounded responses create boundaries without escalation:
“I’m open to talking about the issue but not being spoken to that way.”
“I hear your concern. I don’t agree with the way it’s being expressed.”
“Let’s focus on what can be changed rather than labeling me.”
These statements protect your dignity while leaving space for honest conversation.
If You’re Too Activated to Respond
This shift in perspective takes time to cultivate. Early on, you will likely experience embarrassment and shame until you recognize the difference, practice seeing it differently, and countering the internal thoughts. Sometimes shame hits so fast it dysregulates us—especially for those who tend to withdraw or shut down under pressure. In those moments, it’s okay to pause and say to yourself:
“I need to step away and come back to this later.”
“I can’t engage in this conversation right now.”
Taking time to pause and allow space is not avoidance; it’s self-regulation. In any situation that causes you to feel escalated, hurt, or humiliated, you are wise to “press pause” and offer yourself grace and self-compassion to assist in being your best self if you decide to respond.
Don’t Carry What Was Never Yours
It is important to note that when people are hurting emotionally, they tend to lash out and hurt others who cross their paths. On a day when someone else is particularly struggling, and they aren’t emotionally aware enough to recognize their impact on others, they may flare up and hit others with negative emotional force. Shame sticks when we internalize it. After the interaction, it is helpful to ask yourself, “What part of this belongs to me—and what doesn’t?”
Release the rest. You are responsible only for your own actions, not someone else’s inability to communicate with respect.
Choose Safe Witnesses
Shame thrives in isolation and secrecy. Healing happens when we are willing to be vulnerable, transparent, and tell our story to someone we trust, and someone who responds with clarity and compassion—a trusted friend, therapist, or spiritual leader. When shame is spoken aloud, it loses its grip on us, and the person sending the messages of shame loses their power over us.
A Final Reframe
Jesus corrected people without shaming them—and confronted shame directly when it harmed others. Think about the story when Jesus came upon a woman caught in sin. When Jesus encountered the woman, He did something radically different from everyone else around her. Instead of joining the crowd’s condemnation, He interrupted the cycle of shame by protecting her dignity and reminding her accusers of their own need for mercy. He neither denied that her actions mattered nor defined her by them. By saying, “Neither do I condemn you—go and sin no more,” Jesus showed that grace and accountability belong together: mercy that restores, and truth that invites change. In that moment, He transformed a public act of humiliation into an opportunity for healing and a new way forward.
Being shamed is not evidence that you are wrong; it is often evidence that someone else doesn’t know how to address pain in a healthy way. You are allowed to grow without being degraded.
A Final Word of Hope
As you become more proficient in discerning Godly sorrow, it is also important to understand that you were never meant to carry guilt alone. Godly sorrow opens the door to transformation, not condemnation. Healing begins when we stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking, “What can be healed here?”
