WHY IS FORGIVENESS SO DIFFICULT?
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
Forgiveness is hard because it often feels like giving up a part of ourselves—our pain, our need for justice, or even our pride. When we’ve been hurt, it’s natural to want acknowledgment or even retribution, and letting go can feel like we’re saying the harm didn’t matter, which is not at all true.
It’s also hard because forgiveness doesn’t erase the pain or make everything go back to normal. It takes vulnerability to release anger or resentment, especially when trust has been broken. Sometimes, it’s tied to deeper fears—like being hurt again, losing control, or feeling weak. This is a normal aftermath of betrayal or hurt and disappointment inflicted on us by others.
As our relationships with others mature and develop, we notice flaws and imperfections that can distract us from the joys of human-to-human connection. When we look within our own heart and acknowledge our own imperfections, our capacity to exercise and offer empathy, compassion, and forgiveness increase. We find the beautiful ability to love with meekness and humility. This is when our relationships solidify, security expands, and connection deepens.
How Can I Find Forgiveness for Someone Who Hurt Me?
Forgiving someone who hurt you is a process, not a single moment. It takes time and effort, but it’s ultimately about freeing yourself from the weight of resentment. Here are some steps that might help:
1. Acknowledge Your Pain
It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or betrayed. Allow yourself to process those emotions instead of suppressing them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean minimizing the impact of what happened. When we can acknowledge our own pain and offer ourselves compassion, the grieving process is healthier, smoother, and more complete.
2. Understand What Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the behavior or forgetting what happened. It’s about releasing the hold the pain has over you, so it doesn’t consume your energy or peace. It doesn’t mean we are expected to ignore the impact of the event, or expose ourselves to further pain by discounting the situation and what happened to us. It is helpful to identify a place in our heart that we can hold a space available for forgiveness. Instead of forcing ourselves to forgive, one day, when the pain has subsided and forgiveness appears… let it in. With time, and the absence of bitterness, forgiveness will be something you can offer.
3. Shift Perspective
Try to see the other person as human—flawed and imperfect, just like everyone. This doesn’t justify their actions but can make it easier to understand why they might have acted the way they did. As you begin to recognize the human-ness of others, the grace you can offer them will soften the sharp edges of the blow you experienced. Healing is much more likely to occur within your heart when you are able to acknowledge that all humans make mistakes.
4. Set Boundaries If Needed
Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing the person to hurt you again. You can forgive and still maintain distance or boundaries to protect yourself. It is one thing to offer forgiveness, but the person who hurt you has some work to do in addressing the mistake that caused you pain and changing the behavior so it doesn’t happen again.
5. Focus on Your Own Healing
Forgiveness is ultimately for you, not them. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or even therapy can help you work through the pain and help you find peace. Talking about the incident that hurt you so deeply can help you make sense of the pain you carry, and can also help you map out your own healing process.
6. Choose to Let Go
In the initial stage of forgiveness, it may be a decision you need to make repeatedly. Each time the pain resurfaces, remind yourself why you’re letting it go—for your own well-being. However, as your heart heals, and time has passed, the memories of the hurt begin to slip away. The pain is replaced by wisdom and insight. The strength you gain from that wisdom and insight will guide you to new positive experiences. What used to be haunting pain is replaced with hope, new-found trust, and ultimate peace.
