7 THINGS PARENTS CAN DO TO CULTIVATE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
In a world that is achievement-driven and fast-paced, it is difficult for parents to cultivate emotional intelligence and high well-being in their children. It is tempting for parents to focus on achievement such as grades, dance, and sports. However, studies are finding that shifting their focus to emotional awareness may contribute to happier, healthier, and more successful children.
Emotional intelligence doesn’t just help children thrive socially; it contributes to greater resilience, the ability to more readily offer compassion and empathy. Children who are more aware of, and embrace emotion grow into successful adults who can face challenges with greater confidence, engage in meaningful relationships, and lead more stable and fulfilling lives.
In years of research by Reem Raouda, involving over 200 parent-child relationships, seven powerful strategies were identified. Apparently, these key strategies contribute to happier children, and more successful adults.
1. Parents understood the power of silence
We seem to be uncomfortable with silence, and most people try to fill silence with something to fill the space of no sound. When they noticed their child was upset, these parents intentionally gave their child space to process their feelings and trust their inner voice. During the moments of upset, they sat quietly beside their child, offering their presence as comfort. Instead of using words to comfort, their simple presence brought calm, peace, and allowed the child to self-soothe. Embracing silence can help children better navigate and reflect on their emotions. This also cultivates the ability to be alone when others are not available, and despite being alone they are able to resolve their upset feelings through pondering, mindfulness, and silence.
2. Parents named their own emotions early and often
These parents encouraged open sharing of feelings by inviting the child to identify what emotion they were experiencing. Modeling this for their child provided them with an understanding of the process. In moments of frustration they might say, "I'm frustrated" or "I'm happy." This articulation of feelings nurtured emotional awareness and gave them words to express themselves. This helped their children embrace emotions as normal and invited them to share them openly rather than suppressing them. Instead of seeing complaining as a negative, they were taught to honor their pain, talk about their pain, and through connecting with others they were able to receive validation and comfort more readily,
3. Parents apologized to their child
One of the most vulnerable experiences is to own our mistakes. Admitting we have made a mistake to our children demonstrates a level of humility and courage. These parents showed their child that mistakes are part of life and that taking responsibility for our mistakes is a strength. In the process of apologizing to their child for a mistake, they built a foundation of trust. Apologizing for mistakes demonstrates respect, making their child feel valued. This also models the principle of empathy for the impact our mistakes have on others, and in turn taught them the importance of, and how to repair relationships.
4. Parents didn't force 'please,' 'thank you' or 'sorry'
While this may seem counterintuitive, these parents knew that kindness is best learned by example, not by force. These parent modeled the behavior by always expressing gratitude to others, and talking about it explicitly when it happened. In the times when their child forgot to say thank you, the parent expressed it for them. In private, the parents then discussed the principle, rather than embarrassing the child by correcting them in front of others. This type of mentoring requires patience and intentional tutoring. However, as the child witnesses your expressions of gratitude to others, and notices the resulting joy in the one receiving the expression, they will develop a desire to do the same.
5. Parents didn't dismiss small worries
Sometimes we may be tempted to discount our child’s pain to help them become stronger in a world of adversity and challenges. However, these parents took their child's concerns seriously, regardless of how small the incident might be. If. They lost a toy, the parent acknowledged how difficult that was, and first addressed the disappointment before trying to fix the issue. Discounting small worries sends the message that personal pain is to be avoided and pushed aside. By validating their feelings, they showed their child that emotions matter. This fostered self-compassion, self-worth, emotional safety, and respect for their experiences. Ultimately, the child learns how to validate others’ pain, and the power of offering compassion and empathy to others.
6. Parents didn't always offer solutions
Just as we tend to discount and push aside emotional pain, when challenges arise we are tempted to fix it for our child before they experience discomfort. However, this robs the child of learning how to evaluate situations and find the best solution on their own. The best way to teach decision-making is to encourage children to make their own decisions. Instead of fixing problems, these parents asked, "What do you think would be a good solution? What do you think we should do about this?" This fosters more creative critical thinking, confidence, and leadership skills.
7. Parents embraced boredom
With a world filled with devices and endless technological advances, people of all ages consider boredom to be something to be avoided at all costs. These parents allowed their child to get bored and considered “down time” to be an opportunity to exercise mindfulness and presence with self. This cultivated the ability in their child to become comfortable with stillness. The key benefits of this is greater creativity, self-regulation and problem-solving skills. With consistency, their child learned to enjoy their own company and find joy in quiet, simple moments. Sitting in a waiting room at the doctor’s office or staring out the car window became less distressing and peaceful.
Nurturing Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence and Well-Being
The best way to cultivate emotional intelligence is to model it for your child. Welcome the sharing of emotions, including both painful and joyful feelings. Talk openly about your feelings as they ebb and flow. As you interact with others, apologize when you make mistakes, and show kindness and empathy in your interactions.
When your child expresses emotions be diligent in validating them. When they find the courage to talk about their feelings, process openly to normalize the experience. Regardless of how small the incident may seem, offer your child the time and space to process their emotions without trying to fix the problem. Resist the temptation to dismiss their emotions, and instead welcome the feelings, normalizing the disappointment or pain.
When challenges arise, open a brainstorming discussion exploring solutions without judgment. Encourage them to find solutions by asking open-ended questions instead of providing all the answers. If there is an obvious answer, but your child can’t find it, try something like, “What would it be like if…?”
Allow your child to experience moments of stillness or boredom to build creativity and self-regulation. This not only expands your child’s ability to handle moments without external stimulation, but it also cultivates in you the ability to sit with stillness. Most people struggle with quiet and cannot tolerate those moments without the anxiety how to fill the time and space. Most importantly, focus on building a relationship with your child rooted in respect and trust — because emotional intelligence starts with feeling safe, valued, and understood.
References
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