CELEBRATING THE GIFT OF LOVE
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
The origins of the holiday we call Valentines Day can be traced all the way back to Saint Valentine. However, many debates about this have occurred as several martyrs named Valentine existed in early Christianity. One legend describes Saint Valentine as a priest who defied Emperor Claudius II’s ban on soldiers marrying by secretly performing weddings. He was imprisoned and executed, becoming a martyr for love and faith.
Another story suggests that while in prison, Valentine restored the sight of his jailer’s blind daughter and signed a letter to her “Your Valentine,” inspiring the modern phrase.
The association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love gained prominence in the Middle Ages, especially through literature. The concept of courtly love flourished, leading to traditions of expressing affection through letters and poetry.
By the 17th and 18th centuries, Valentine’s Day became a day for exchanging handwritten notes and tokens of affection in Europe. In the 19th century, the advent of mass-produced Valentine cards popularized the holiday further, especially in England and the United States.
Today, Valentine’s Day is has become significantly commercialized, with an abundance of economic activity tied to gifts and dining. Has this commercialization caused us to lose the spark of the power of expressing love and affection for those who mean the most to us?
Valentines Day is meant to be a day to celebrate love in all forms, including friendships and familial bonds in cultures across the globe. For example, the passion of the Argentinians can't be contained by just a single day, so they set aside a week in July as "Sweetness Week," when lovers and friends exchange candies, kisses, and good cheer. South Africans celebrate with flowers and gifts, and some women pin the name of their love interest on the sleeve of their shirt, which ensures that secret admirers don’t remain secret for long!
Expressing Love Expands Love
It is one thing to feel love, but the act of showing love is the best way to cultivate and expand the experience of loving someone. Demonstrating love can take many forms, depending on the person and relationship. Here are some meaningful ways to cultivate and deepen the love within you and for those whom you love:
Loving Through Words
When was the last time you openly expressed appreciation to someone whom you love? In our busy lives we often take the shortcut and say, “Love ya!” which is a little less powerful than adding the “I” to the expression. Regularly and explicitly telling our loved ones how we feel about them reinforces in our own heart and mind how we feel about them. It is a deeper, more meaningful experience. This may mean sharing with them what you admire about them, or what you are most grateful for about having them in your life.
It may take courage and a level of vulnerability to intentionally say, “I love you.” This expression is a simple yet powerful way to remind someone how you feel. Try it today with someone you care deeply about. Notice what happens inside of you and notice their response to your careful expression of affection for them.
Another way to express love is to share uplifting and supportive words during tough times. During a personal challenge, to hear a loved one say, “Do you know how much I care about you? I love you…” is a tremendously healing experience. While you may not be able to take away the actual challenge, you are removing the sting of the challenge with the simple reminder of how much they mean to you.
Loving Through Actions
Acts of service quickly convey a message of love. Consider spontaneously helping with tasks, big or small, to make their life easier. Spend quality time with loved ones demonstrates caring concern. Plan for undistracted, focused time with them, staying present and showing interest in things that matter to them.
Physical touch is a simple manifestation of affection through hugs, holding hands, or a comforting touch can convey deep affection. Science tells us that when we experience a lingering touch with loved ones, the hormone oxytocin is released in our bodies. This “feel good” hormone deepens the experience of touch. Some describe it as a tingling rush, and others say it is a warmth that travels throughout their body.
For some the instinct to touch loved ones is natural, but for some it requires intentional thought and planning. As you become more aware of the power of touch, and incorporate touch in your daily experience, life becomes a richer existence. Plan ahead to offer hugs to your loved ones and be sure to linger in the hugs or touches so the experience is more meaningful and not fleeting. In order to ensure the release of oxytocin, the lingering touch should be at least 10 to 12 seconds. Try it today…
Loving Through Thoughtfulness
Periodically, the offering of a gift can make your loved one feel particularly special. Choose something meaningful that reflects their interests or needs. The gift doesn’t have to be expensive or flashy. Picking up their favorite drink on a hot summer day says, “I thought about you when I was thirsty and decided you might need a drink too.”
Remembering details or special moments for our loved ones sends a strong message of affection and concern. Celebrate milestones, recall their preferences, or check in on something important to them. Most importantly, thoughtfulness means being present and demonstrating interest while focused on time with loved ones. Show attentiveness through eye contact and touch during conversations or shared activities.
Loving Through Support
Most people aren’t especially good at attentive listening. Make it a practice to listen carefully when your loved one is sharing thoughts and feelings. Instead of thinking about what you will say in response to their sharing, listen so intently that you can repeat back what you heard. Provide a safe space for them to share what is on their mind. Respectfully step in when they’re struggling or need assistance, and be patient, especially when they’re not at their best.
Loving Through Sacrifice
Prioritizing the needs of loved ones is the ultimate sacrifice. Make choices that demonstrate your loved ones matter to you. Collaborate and compromise when necessary. Work together to find solutions that benefit both of you. When forgiveness is necessary work to let go of grudges and work toward harmony when conflicts arise. The ability to forgive a loved one for hurting you may not be available immediately. Hold a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it finally shows up… allow it to enter into your heart. Communicate forgiveness to your loved one to offer them the opportunity to heal with you.
Loving Through Everyday Gestures
The best way to cultivate and demonstrate love is through everyday gestures of kindness, tenderness, and caring behaviors. Consider writing a quick note, text throughout the day, or call to check in. Don’t forget the power of laughter. Make time for joy and playfulness.
Most importantly, incorporate the principle of loyalty. Openly defend your loved one so they see and feel your support. This type of fierce loyalty deepens the security of the loving relationship, and cultivates deeper levels of trust. Keep your promises and show you’re someone they can depend on. Love is often shown in the little, consistent ways rather than grand gestures.
Many of us get so caught up in our daily concerns, we forget to pause and reflect on the depth and meaning of the relationships that mean the most to us. Remember, don’t wait for Valentines Day to demonstrate love to those who matter most to you. Commit to make today a special day to celebrate those who mean the most to you. Make today a day full of expressions of gratitude for the precious gift of love in your life.
