WHAT IS YOUR PARTNER’S GREATEST ATTACHMENT NEED?
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
What is your partner’s greatest attachment need? I am surprised at how often I ask this question of someone, and they pause… think about it for a minute, and then look at me with a blank stare. “Um, I’m not sure… what do you mean by that?” Attachment needs refer to the emotional and psychological requirements that individuals have for forming and maintaining secure connections with others. These needs are deeply rooted in human biology and are crucial for healthy social and emotional development.
In the midst of an earth-shattering argument, if you can openly acknowledge the other person’s missing need, the tension will magically slip away. Try it sometime… and notice the peace and calm that enters your conversation.
One of the reasons it is essential to know what it is that your partner needs to feel secure and fulfilled is because it sets you up to be the best possible support amid the storms and challenges of life. When you find yourself in conflict with your partner, ask yourself, “What is missing for me?” Likely you would answer, “I don’t feel understood,” or “I don’t feel like I’m a priority right now.”
Let’s take this a step further. When you are in a heated argument with your partner, ask yourself, “What is missing for them?” You can be guaranteed that their greatest attachment need is not being met in that moment. If, for example, their need is to feel valued, you can diffuse the argument within seconds by saying, “You aren’t feeling valued right now, are you?” As if by magic, this acknowledgment of their missing attachment need will soften the moment and bring the two of you back to better ground.
So, what are some of the most common attachment needs? Some key attachment needs include:
1. Security: People have a fundamental need to feel safe and secure in their relationships. This involves feeling confident that their attachment figures will be there for them in times of need and provide support and protection.
2. Comfort: Attachment figures play a crucial role in providing comfort and reassurance during times of distress or uncertainty. This can involve physical affection, soothing words, or simply being present and attentive.
3. Acceptance: Individuals need to feel accepted and valued by their attachment figures. Acceptance involves being loved and appreciated for who you are, without judgment or conditions.
4. Trust: Trust is essential for building and maintaining secure attachments. Individuals need to believe that their attachment figures are reliable, dependable, and trustworthy.
5. Connection: Human beings are social creatures and have a fundamental need for connection with others. Attachment needs include the desire for closeness, intimacy, and emotional connection with attachment figures.
6. Autonomy: While attachment involves seeking closeness and connection with others, individuals also need to maintain a sense of autonomy and independence. Healthy attachments allow for individuals to explore and pursue their own interests and goals while still feeling connected to others.
7. Emotional Regulation: Attachment figures play a crucial role in helping individuals regulate their emotions. They provide a secure base from which individuals can explore the world and manage their feelings and reactions.
Meeting these attachment needs is essential for fostering healthy relationships and promoting overall well-being. When attachment needs are not met, individuals may experience feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and loneliness, which can have a significant impact on their emotional and psychological health. However, if you want to build lasting confidence, security, and cultivate a richer and more meaningful connection with your partner, focus intently on meeting the attachment needs of your partner. When this happens consistently for both of you, your relationship will withstand even the most turbulent challenges of life, and together you will experience greater success, resilience in your marriage, and lasting fulfillment.
