EMBRACING AND CELEBRATING COUPLE DIFFERENCES
by Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
Do you feel guilty or shameful in those moments when you strongly disagree with your spouse’s opinions on something? Do you find yourself wanting to shy away from your own opinion for fear you will seem controlling or inflexible? You are not alone. So often couples ask me how to handle situations in which both partners strongly disagree. “If I see things dramatically different, am I the contentious one?” or “If I disagree with him, am I being disrespectful and argumentative?”
Differences and disagreements are a very normal part of marriage, and something that should be celebrated and encouraged rather than avoided or discouraged. Most healthy couples find that their core guiding principles and values are aligned and similar with very little deviation. Every new couple would be wise to have this discussion very early in the relationship.
In the early stages of the relationship, couples should clearly identify and define their core values and articulate them to each other to be able to achieve clarity and understanding and avoid heartache, conflict, and damaging emotional injuries. Core values are at the center of each person’s soul, and flexibility in all other areas of the couple’s shared life should occupy a much larger space, while avoiding compromise of the core values identified.
When it comes to differences of opinion, what distinguishes healthy and resilient couples from those who become fragile and unfulfilled is how the couple handles the discussion and exploration about differences. It is how they navigate the dilemma and arrive at the ultimate shared decision together. Many couples avoid these discussions because they believe it will only result in a fight or disconnection and tension for hours or days. When they both feel very strongly about a certain direction they believe should be taken, and one or the other submits to the pressure, emotionally shuts down, and withdraws, that partner risks long-term damage and attachment injuries in the relationship as a result.
Disagreements and differences of opinion are normal, and many couples may find themselves disagreeing on various issues throughout their relationship. Some common areas of disagreement include:
Finances: Differences in spending habits, financial goals, or attitudes towards money can often lead to conflict.
Communication Styles: Each person may have different communication preferences or tendencies, leading to misunderstandings or frustration.
Intimacy and Sexuality: Discrepancies in libido, preferences, or comfort levels with intimacy can create tension in a relationship.
Household Chores and Responsibilities: Unequal distribution of household chores or differing standards of cleanliness can lead to arguments.
Parenting Styles: Couples may disagree on how to raise children, discipline strategies, or educational approaches.
Family Dynamics: Conflicts may arise from differences in how each partner interacts with their respective families or in-laws.
Career and Ambitions: Disagreements may occur over career choices, work-life balance, or aspirations for the future.
Religion and Beliefs: Variances in religious or spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof, can lead to tension if not handled respectfully.
Leisure Activities and Hobbies: Differences in interests or preferences for how to spend free time can cause friction if not adequately addressed.
Values and Priorities: Disagreements may arise when partners prioritize different aspects of life, such as personal growth, travel, community involvement, or material possessions.
Jealousy and Trust Issues: Insecurities or trust issues may surface, leading to conflicts over jealousy, boundaries, or perceived fidelity.
Health and Lifestyle Choices: Disagreements can occur regarding dietary choices, exercise habits, or decisions related to health care.
Living Arrangements: Couples may have differing preferences or priorities when it comes to where to live, such as urban vs. suburban, renting vs. buying, or proximity to family.
Social Life and Friendships: Conflicts may arise from differences in socializing preferences, boundaries with friends, or inclusion/exclusion of certain individuals.
Time Management: Disagreements over how time is spent together vs. individually, or issues related to punctuality and scheduling, can lead to tension.
Steps Couples Can Take to Embrace and Celebrate Differences
Step 1: Begin by each of you identifying and adhering to your core values and morals. These are things that you hold dear and are typically solidified and imprinted in your soul by the time you reach 12 years of age. It is helpful to take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you such as honesty, integrity, loyalty, love, and respect, to name just a few. Most people have a strong sense of their values, and those values shape their actions and decisions. Staying true to your values and morals is essential for living a fulfilling and authentic life.
Step 2: If a decision is made and you feel turmoil or unrest, ask yourself which of your core values it compromises. If you submit to a decision that directly conflicts with your core values, you will experience internal conflict that will not just go away. You are in danger of developing resentment and bitterness toward your partner and anyone else involved in that decision.
To avoid the dangers of disconnection and relationship damage, it is important to be able to voice your concern while stating which of your values the decision compromises. For example, “Honey, if we take that much money out of our savings, it will take us decades to replace it and prevent us from being able to send our son to college.” Another example would be, “I am concerned that if we don’t impose consequences on our daughter for skipping school she will never learn the importance of . accountability and responsibility. Letting her go without consequences reinforces her damaging assumption that it is ok.”
Once you have identified which of your core values it compromises, and once you have voiced that concern, ask your partner to share how they feel about the situation, and if they see a collaborative “middle ground.” You might ask them to help you understand their point of view and why they are averse to applying consequences.
Resilient couples address disagreements and differences of opinion openly and respectfully, communicate clearly, and work towards finding compromises or solutions that are mutually satisfactory. Couples are wise to sit down and discuss each of these areas without judgment for each other, and to explore how each other experiences these values and principles differently.
Write down specific thoughts and feelings that you identify in this discussion and work to honor each other’s strongest core values. Keep the discussion slow and emotionally safe. Listen, acknowledge, and validate each other’s feelings with an understanding that the time this takes will be a powerful investment in a collaborative and loving relationship and greater confidence in future robust discussions about things you may see differently.
