COUPLE GOALS FORTIFY COUPLE RESILIENCE

 By Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT

Are you and your partner on the same path and headed in the same direction? Research shows that couples who identify and focus on shared goals are ultimately more satisfied with their relationship over time, and experience greater resilience when facing the challenges of married life. Think about it… if you are in a relay race, every athlete on the team needs to be lined up on the track, staying in their designated lane, and giving all they have during the interval of their run. The shared goal is to run the fastest, effectively pass the baton to their teammate, and reach the ultimate finish line to celebrate a victory as a team.

Identifying and supporting couple goals cultivate a sense of belonging, particularly in newly forming relationships. When couples establish and strive together for specific goals, it provides the relationship with a source of strength and resilience, a sense of identity, and faith in the future. When life becomes challenging and the world seems filled with uncertainty, shared couple goals can serve as the rock or foundation the couple can count on for security.

Step 1: Choose a Category

The first step is for each partner to choose and agree on a specific category for their focus. For example, what are your general feelings about finances? How important is health and exercise, and what do you want to achieve in your quest for healthy living? Is your sexual relationship healthy and fulfilling? Do you talk about your sexual relationship? If not, how will you achieve a healthy balance of intimacy and promote connecting moments? Do you value education, and if so, what are the specific short- and long-term goals needed to achieve your desired outcome? The following are specific categories you might consider for your goal setting focus:

• Financial

• Health and Exercise

• Sexual Relationship

• Education

• Hobbies and Leisure Time

• Vacation

• Community or Religious Service

• Life Dreams

Step 2: Brainstorm

The second step is the brainstorming process. Seek and be open to differences in how you both view each category, and even though you both may have different needs and desires, try to implement something from each of your responses. As you brainstorm, be sure to write down every thought, idea, and concept, even though some of them might seem absurd or outrageous. This is the beauty of brainstorming as it involves no judgment, frees the mind of blocks, and encourages creativity, imagination, and possibilities.

Step Three: Explore the “Why” for Both Partners

The third step is to explore why this goal is important to you. Be open with each other about feelings, thoughts, and dreams surrounding each topic. This allows each of you to understand each other on a deeper level, and assists in your ability to accept each other’s differences because you learn about the positive impact on your partner if you were able to successfully implement the goal.

Step Four: Action Items

The fourth step is to outline short- and long-term goals which include specific action steps you will take as a couple to achieve the goals you have set. Discuss something you can implement as a new tradition, ritual, role, goal related to the topic, and be sure to get these on your calendar to demonstrate commitment and couple resolve.

Summary

Be sure to start small by identifying one or two most important couple goals. While you are sharing and exploring couple goals with each other, try to focus on the positive, and listen and reflect to be sure you both feel heard and understood. As you proceed through this collaborative process, notice the closeness you feel with each other. Be sure to establish regular intervals in which you check progress with each other, identify weaknesses in the process, and celebrate successes along the way!