THE POWER OF LISTENING AUTHENTICALLY
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
In the process of communication, the listener has the most difficult job of any parties involved. The role of the listener can be frustrating and exhausting, or it can be fulfilling and rewarding. The power of listening is profound and plays a crucial role in various aspects of personal and professional life.
It has been said that we “cannot NOT communicate.” In our day-to-day interactions with others, we naturally communicate in a variety of ways including body language or words through text or voice. Sometimes communication is in the form of art such as drawings, paintings, a bouquet of flowers, or an arrangement of food on a platter or buffet. We communicate with other drivers while traveling on a road or freeway. In fact, 70% of communication is through means other than our voice.
The problem is, we don’t really focus as much on listening. However, listening can be the most powerful method of demonstrating empathy, respect, and compassion. The challenge is that listening requires special skill and focus. It is the most difficult aspect of communication, and the listener has the most sophisticated job in the process of communication.
In analyzing the challenges of listening, one of the largest barriers to effective communication is the distractions of the world around us. We live in a fast-paced world, and most people do not slow down long enough to truly engage in powerful conversations. This can lead to misunderstandings, fuels conflict, and can cause an overall sense of frustration and disconnection.
There are remarkable benefits to learning how to listen authentically. These benefits include stronger relationships, enhanced clarity in communication, conflict resolution, learning and growth, improved problem solving, increased empathy, improved leadership skills, improved business relationships, and better crisis management.
Benefits
Before introducing you to the “Three R’s of Listening,” let’s explore the benefits you will realize almost immediately as a result of incorporating these listening skills into your daily interactions with others. The following are some of the perks and advantages if you are willing to commit to listening more authentically:
Greater Understanding
Try to imagine being in a difficult conversation with your loved one, and hearing them say, “Oh… I hadn’t thought of it that way.” Or maybe they say something like, “I may see it differently, but I am so glad you are sharing this with me.” In our most important relationships with loved ones and friends, our ultimate goal should be to cultivate strength and emotionally safe moments of connection.
Effective listening, using the “Three R’s of Listening” fosters better understanding between individuals, and allows people to feel heard, valued, and respected, which strengthens interpersonal connections. The ability to trust is also enhanced due to the clarity and focus from more effective listening.
Enhanced Communication
Effective “experiential” listening is a fundamental component of clear communication. It minimizes misunderstandings and promotes a more accurate exchange of information because the listener is not only demonstrating they are interested, but they are also asking questions, seeking further clarification, and offering reinforcement to enhance confidence in the speaker.
Conflict Resolution
Listening actively, while working to set aside assumptions or judgments during conflicts helps in identifying the root causes of disagreements. If the listener can find the courage to seek understanding about the speaker’s feelings and beliefs, it allows for a more empathetic and collaborative approach to finding solutions. The hardest part in the role of the listener is to listen without judgment, while recognizing they will have their turn to express their feelings and beliefs.
Learning and Growth
Listening to others' perspectives and experiences with an open mind and without judgment provides an opportunity for personal growth and learning. When the listener has been able to set aside their own agenda, and momentarily open their mind to the other’s perspective, they are set up to experience an expanded view and understanding of the speaker’s world. It helps in gaining new insights and broadening one's understanding of different viewpoints. This requires a level of personal humility, and confidence, but the rewards are greater respect and trust from the speaker’s point of view.
Improved Problem Solving
Listening to diverse opinions and ideas contributes to more effective problem-solving. It encourages the exploration of various solutions and promotes creativity. When the conversation is balanced and unbiased, both the speaker and the listener can achieve a win-win and collaborative solution to issues that otherwise may block progress and success.
Increased Empathy
Empathy involves the ability to imagine the other’s emotional or lived experience and working to “walk” with the speaker into their narrative. Empathy is the ability to “feel with” someone. Listening with empathy enables individuals to connect emotionally with others. It helps in understanding and sharing the feelings of others, fostering a supportive environment. When speakers and listeners experience balanced empathy from each other, the relationship changes into one built on trust, compassion, and greater stability.
Leadership Skills
Effective leaders are often skilled listeners, which increases the likelihood that those they lead will find motivation to carry out difficult tasks and the courage to do hard things. Leaders who actively listen are more attuned to the needs and concerns of their team, leading to better decision-making.
Client/Customer Satisfaction
In business, attentive listening is vital for understanding customer needs and expectations. It contributes to improved product/service development and customer satisfaction and increases the likelihood that customers will return for repeat business. The reputation of the organization is greatly impacted by the sense that customers are valued, and attentive listening is one of the most powerful ways to cultivate a sense of value.
Professional Development
Listening to constructive feedback and advice is crucial for personal and professional development. Effective listening requires personal discipline and patience, which are characteristics that elevate professionals in every aspect of a more successful career. It allows individuals to identify areas for improvement and refine their skills.
Crisis Management
During times of crisis, effective listening is essential for understanding the concerns and emotions of those affected. It helps in the ability to provide appropriate support and guidance.
The Three R's of Listening
Ok! Now let’s explore the most powerful steps you can take to bring your conversations to a new level. The following “THREE R’S OF LISTENING” can transform the communication experience into one of resolution and true collaboration.
#1—REQUEST: “Can you help me understand?”
MESSAGE: “I want to understand your concerns and thoughts about this.”
This is the chance to seek clarification.
Open-ended questions encourage more sharing.
Examples:
“Can you tell me more about this?”
“I am wondering what you were hoping for from me (us)?”
“I am feeling confused right now. Can you give me more information?”
#2—REASSURE: “Your thoughts and opinions matter. You are an important part of this team effort.”
MESSAGE: “I want to you to know I (we) care.”
The listener is demonstrating validation, empathy, and compassion.
The listener is showing interest in their counterpart’s concerns.
Example:
“I am so glad you are telling me this. It helps me understand your experience.”
“This must have been challenging. I(we) would like to be a part of the solution.”
#3—REFLECT: “I hear you saying… and this is what I heard. Did I get it right?”
MESSAGE: “I am hearing you.”
Summarize and reflect using the speaker’s words and phrases.
Send the signal that what the listener is hearing matters.
Send the message the listener is accessible.
Examples:
“What I heard you say was that ……….”
“So, what you are hoping for is… did I get that right?”
“It sounds like one solution would be to…. Is that what you are saying?”
In summary, the power of authentic and effective listening lies in its ability to foster understanding, strengthen relationships, enhance communication, and contribute to personal and professional development. It is a skill that, when honed and practiced, can lead to positive outcomes in our most important relationships. It positively impacts our view of self and others and increases self-fulfillment in various aspects of life.
