The 10 Skills to Preserve Your Love
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
In the month of February, our thoughts turn to love. For some, love is a state of being and for others it is something we do. For some, love is a mysterious, and sometimes scary feeling that must be managed and even avoided because experience has taught them loving someone is risky and only ends in heartache. Yes, love requires vulnerability and some risk, but when we understand the incredible power and gift of love, fear slips away and is replaced with courage and a desire to cultivate, nurture, and increase our capacity to love.
Nurturing and growing love in a relationship requires effort, commitment, and ongoing communication. I would like to offer you “10 Skills of Love.” None of them are groundbreaking and new, but each of them, when utilized have the potential to spark new life and empower your most important relationships. As you read through each idea, think about how you will implement them in your daily life and interactions with your loved ones. I promise you that if you will cultivate and refine these skills and daily habits, you will not only strengthen and increase your capacity to love others, but you will also increase your capacity to offer love and compassion to yourself.
Love Skill #1: Effective Communication
In the development of any relationship, freely and openly sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences will cultivate deeper emotional connection and closeness. The process of self-disclosure changes the relationship such that you both know more about each other and learn about the victories and challenges and historical events that shaped and molded each of you into who you are today.
At the end of a long, hard day, the process of decompressing and destressing involves taking a few minutes to talk about what made your day bright, or what made your day painful. Listen to each other and listen “actively” to your partner’s concerns and perspectives by reflecting, responding with acceptance, and showing you are engaged and interested. Practice demonstrating empathy by telling your partner, “I am so sorry that happened to you,” or “That must have been so amazing for you!” Try to understand your partner’s perspectives without trying to fix the difficulty, but instead, just be present by letting your partner know, “I am here for you… thank you for sharing.”
Love Skill #2: Quality Time
Consider ways you can spend more meaningful time together regularly. This doesn’t just happen naturally. Couples who recognize the power of time together, intentionally build it into their daily and weekly schedules. Smart couples will sit together weekly or monthly to develop a schedule that syncs with each other’s because they know if it isn’t on the schedule, it isn’t likely to happen. Engage in activities that you both enjoy, and every once in a while, be flexible and engage in an activity you may not have chosen, but you know your partner would love. Create rituals or traditions that are unique to your relationship and participate in those rituals and traditions regularly so that if they didn’t happen you would notice and miss the experience.
Love Skill #3: Show Affection
Consider ways you can express love to your partner without words. Maybe it is through physical touch, such as hugs, kisses, and holding hands. Maybe it would be through glances, eye contact and body language. Maybe it is through notes, letters, or messages written on the bathroom mirror in your favorite color of lipstick. Offer compliments and words of affirmation regularly. When was the last time you told your partner how much you admire their work, their hobby, or your gratitude for the kindness they showed to a neighbor down the street. Acts of affection and words of affirmation serve to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Love Skill #4: Build Trust
Building trust in a relationship requires time and consistency. A track record of being trustworthy and reliable in your actions builds a foundation of security and a sense of loyalty in your relationships. Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship, and it requires utmost honesty and transparency in all things. This includes finances, decisions that affect the relationship or household, and actions you participate in when you are apart. Avoid actions that may undermine trust, and address issues promptly.
Love Skill #5: Support Each Other
There is nothing more comforting than when we hit a “bump in the road” of life and instantly we have the thought, “I know my partner will support me in this.” When we have had such consistency in this type of experience, we can navigate the rough world with greater strength, confidence, and a sense we are not alone. Be there for your partner during both good and challenging times. Encourage their goals and dreams, providing emotional support. Take steps to collaborate on solving problems and facing challenges together.
Love Skill #6: Respect and Appreciation
Most people, when asked what they need most in their relationships, they will say they long to feel respected or appreciated. As you consider your relationship, when was the last time you openly complimented your partner? Consider complimenting them in front of others, demonstrating your appreciation for their role in your life and their influence for good. Show respect for your partner's opinions, even if you disagree. Take time to appreciate and acknowledge each other's contributions to the relationship. Additionally, avoid criticism and instead focus on constructive communication, letting your partner know when something isn’t working for you.
Love Skill #7: Maintain Individual Identities
The term interdependence is important to understand and implement in your most important relationships. Interdependence means you love working together, connecting and collaborating with your partner, but you also respect each other’s individuality and complementary gifts and strengths. Instead of being so dependent on each other and unable to function without the other by your side, you value each other’s strengths and celebrate differences. While it's essential to share experiences, it's also crucial to maintain individuality. Allow each other space for personal growth and pursuing individual interests.
Love Skill #8: Forgiveness
Cultivating the ability to acknowledge each other as flawed humans, and to be able to forgive and let go of past mistakes is difficult for most, if not all people in relationships. Forgiving your partner for a mistake they made, affects both of you individually and collectively. When you can offer each other wiggle room to get things wrong every once in a while, you build character and strength within your own heart. You avoid the painful state of holding onto bitterness, and the damage of the growing need for vengeance. Holding onto grudges can erode the foundation of love in a relationship. The best antidote for the pain of disappointment is to be able to say to your partner, “I recognize you didn’t mean to hurt me.” Even more healing is to hear your partner say, “I am so sorry I disappointed you.” It is living a higher law of human existence.
Love Skill #9: Adaptability
One of the greatest challenges, and most incredible blessings of life is the refinement process of facing trials and getting through the other side. As relationships evolve, and being adaptable is key to navigating changes. Every day we awaken, we are faced with new challenges, new perspective because of what we have suffered, and new strengths we didn’t have yesterday. Change is a part of life, so we must be open to compromise and finding solutions that work for both of you. The key in adaptability is to bring the conversation to the table, allow each other to share their feelings, thoughts, and opinions, and sift through the brainstorming to uncover the best options.
Love Skill #10: Cultivate Intimacy
Couples who forget to, or neglect to prioritize emotional and physical intimacy are bound to experience disconnection, loneliness, and distress in their relationship. Emotional and physical intimacy are vital components of a loving relationship. Develop the ability to share your vulnerabilities, fears, disappointments, and longings, and this cannot help but deepen your emotional connection. Keep the spark of romance and intimacy alive through physical intimacy and affection. Some couples are so busy with all the complications of family, jobs, and other normal distractions that they must schedule the intimacy on their calendar. Try it! Make a date with each other in the bedroom, which then becomes one of your rituals of your week. This ensures you will find each other emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Remember that love is a continuous journey, and it requires effort from both partners. Regularly assessing and addressing the needs of your relationship can help foster a strong and lasting connection.
