To Love is to Be Vulnerable
by Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
Love is a feeling that changes us and, in many ways, can even alter our view of the world. Love begins inside of us but can die if it is not acknowledged, shared, cultivated, and nurtured. Love may begin as a spark of interest, and then grow and mature to an all-encompassing urgency to act on it. For some, it takes courage to acknowledge and own the feeling and then do something about it. However, when love remains only inside of us, and we resist sharing it with others, it will begin as an ache, and then is likely to slowly die away. No, love isn’t about you... it is about sharing, connecting, showing respect, kindness, and compassion for someone else. Love is not just an emotion. Love is an action, and when acted upon cannot help but grow, expand, and change the persons involved in the process.
When we fall in love, we might be caught in a whirlwind of emotions, and the shifts and rollercoaster rides can be disconcerting. For some it can be frightening. For some it is rewarding, exciting, and worthy of exploration. Love causes us to begin to care more about the person for whom we feel the affection. Some describe the feeling of love as a compelling desire to protect and care for the well-being of someone else. We tend to want to spend more time with the person we love, and maybe even feel better about ourselves when we are with them when the love is reciprocated.
The challenge is to maintain the power, intensity, and courage that comes with the budding of love. We don’t fall out of love, but instead we forget to nourish and cultivate the feeling through reaching outside of ourselves and into the world of our loved one. Love doesn’t die, it is lost and slips into oblivion if we do not tend to the feeling and offer it to someone else. It is similar to a gardener tending to his beloved roses. The gardener has specific tasks at intervals of times and seasons that encourages the bush and blossoms to thrive and bloom into glorious colors, velvet petals, and precious fragrance. All this is a result of the gardener’s loving kindness, nurturing, and attention to the needs of the rose bush.
Love is interesting, complicated, and at times can be desperately painful and disconcerting. For example, loving an animal and welcoming it into our home to become a part of the family begins with excitement and joyous bonding moments. For a child, the pet can become a cherished best friend. However, there is something desperately wrong about the relatively short lives of our dear family pets. The loss can be excruciating and can even cause some to vow they will never welcome another animal into their home due to the excruciating and life-changing loss at their passing.
There is risk and vulnerability involved when we allow our hearts to slip into love. In the following quote, C. S. Lewis explains it with intensity:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe… dark… motionless… airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
If we resist the natural tendency to love or care about someone we also risk losing the capacity to feel joy and the expansion of our capacity to love deeper. The ache of the loss of a loved one actually carves and broadens our soul, opening up new avenues and possibilities we did not have before. Once we have loved and lost, we are wiser, more compassionate, and our ability to offer empathy to others increases to new levels.
We would be wise to cherish those we love today, and to relish in the present as much as possible. What have you done today that sends an affirmation of love to your sweetheart? What could you do today that would remind your partner of how much you value them? No, love isn’t about you, it is a feeling inside of you that must be revealed and shared in order to grow, expand, and become stronger. With that sharing, cultivating, and growth, the love you develop will serve to shield the relationship from withering away, and will empower you and your loved one as you navigate together, the adversities and storms of life.
