A Template for Friendship
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
Do you have a friendship with someone you love and admire? A relationship that seems to feed your soul and lifts your spirits when days get rough and cloudy? These types of connections can be compared to the friendship soldiers develop as a result of their service on the battlefront. The friendship among soldiers is often a unique and profound bond that forms in the crucible of shared experiences, hardships, and a common sense of purpose. We hear soldiers talk with affection about their buddy (or sister) who, side-by-side, navigated the terror of the front lines... a bond that is sealed by the test of loyalty in the face of death. Examined closely, this type of friendship is inspiring, powerful, and could be used as a template or model as to how to build and sustain a healthy and stable relationship.
The following is a list of the key aspects of the friendship of soldiers:
Shared Experiences: Soldiers often face challenging and life-threatening situations together, such as combat, training, and deployments. These shared experiences create a strong bond as they rely on each other for support and survival. Life deals us challenges that can be as painful and tumultuous as the front lines of a war. When we face those challenges with a friend by our side, a bond occurs and the memories of that friend by our side deepens the bond to a level never before experienced.
Trust: Trust is the foundation of any strong friendship, and it's especially crucial in the military. Soldiers must trust their comrades with their lives, and this trust builds a deep sense of camaraderie. When trust is built and maintained within a friendship, the level of security we experience empowers our self-worth, and increases our confidence that we are not alone in the challenges of life.
Loyalty: Soldiers are loyal to their fellow troops and the mission at hand. Loyalty to one's unit and teammates is a fundamental aspect of military culture. To be loyal means that regardless of how complicated, threatening, or confusing the situation may be, we remain consistent in the support of our “person” and choose to protect, support, and love them through whatever the force against them.
Mutual Support: In the military, soldiers depend on each other for physical and emotional support. They provide encouragement and help each other through difficult times, both on and off the battlefield. This type of reciprocal support builds character in anyone, and requires a level of sacrifice in times of need.
Brotherhood/Sisterhood: The military often fosters a sense of brotherhood or sisterhood among soldiers. They become like a second family, looking out for each other and forming strong bonds that can last a lifetime. Some people who have navigated very difficult family circumstances can find tremendous healing in what is called “fictive kin,” or those whom we select as our siblings and/or parent figures. This is a healthy way to build that circle of wagons every human must have for well-being and fulfillment in life.
Shared Sacrifice: Soldiers often make significant personal sacrifices for the sake of their mission and their comrades. This shared sacrifice can deepen the bonds of friendship. Sacrifice and selflessness does not mean betrayal of self to serve others. This type of sacrifice means offering compassion to our friends even when it is inconvenient or untimely for us.
Understanding: Soldiers understand each other in ways that civilians may not. They share a common set of experiences, values, and challenges that can be difficult for outsiders to comprehend fully. They tend to develop a private and deeply personal language such that sometimes nothing needs to be said... they are so attuned to each other that explanations are not necessary. Understanding requires a periodic “pause” from our normal activities, and a desire to clarify or seek understanding of the other’s experience. This means listening actively, reflecting to ensure clarity, and asking more questions in order to be certain of a deeper level of understanding.
Resilience: Soldiers learn to adapt and endure in the face of adversity, and they draw strength from their friendships with their fellow service members. Research has found that connection and stable friendship contributes to healthier human beings. This means resilience is increased by cultivating and nurturing our friendships.
Lifelong Connections: Many soldiers maintain their friendships long after their military service has ended. These connections can be a source of support and camaraderie throughout their lives.
Friendships that are lasting are dependent upon consistency, intentional investment in the friendship, and all the key aspects listed above. The inevitable trials and hardships we all face throughout a lifetime can be buffered and navigated more smoothly with the presence of a beloved friend. Like the bonds formed among soldiers who often endure experiences so disturbing that words cannot adequately describe the events, friendships are a precious gift of humanity, and worthy of being celebrated as a testament to the strength of human connection in the face of adversity.
