THE COMPARISON TRAP
By Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
It is part of our human nature to compare, measure, and contrast things to make sense of our world. This is how we define and understand ourselves and the world around us and could be seen as a normal and healthy process. If you are working to improve and master a skill, it is useful to observe and learn from a mentor whom you can emulate, and who can offer feedback to improve your technique and application of the skill. The process involves you improving you… and not with the intent to elevate yourself above others.
However, social comparison or playing the comparison game can be painful and detrimental to our overall well-being. Relentless social comparisons are almost guaranteed to lower feelings of self-worth and can block self-acceptance. The comparison trap is a viscous cycle in which people compare themselves to others, cultivating low self-worth, loneliness, and loss of motivation. People who engage in the comparison trap may struggle with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and even suicidal ideation.
Social media feeds the comparison trap as it bombards us with images of others’ incredible accomplishments, exotic vacations, and perfect distress-free relationships. One study found that those who frequently use Instagram experienced higher levels of social comparison. The negative thoughts and feelings that arise from frequent social media use erode confidence, and perpetuate addictions and tendency to isolate.
Avoiding comparisons with others can be challenging, but there are several strategies that can help you focus more on your own journey and less on others. Here are some practical steps:
Cultivate Self-Awareness
First, it is important to recognize triggers, or situations that hijack you into negative thoughts about yourself. Identify situations, people, or platforms (like social media) that trigger your comparisons. When you notice yourself comparing, notice the painful feelings that come up for you, and instead of judging yourself for feeling the pain of disappointment, offer yourself compassion and acknowledge that anyone would feel that pain.
Ask yourself, “If my friend shared this pain with me, how would I respond?” It is likely you would be kind and assist your friend in seeing themselves more accurately. Can you offer that same compassion to yourself? Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend.
Shift Your Focus
Shifting your focus on personal goals can be motivating and can serve as a catalyst to thrust you in a positive direction. Define what success and happiness mean to you and set goals based on your values. The goal is to improve yourself today in comparison to your strengths yesterday.
One powerful shift of focus is to celebrate your achievements. Regularly review and celebrate your progress and accomplishments, no matter how small. Do you record your accomplishments in a journal? If not, begin now to record thoughts and impressions about your accomplishments. Celebrate more often and return to those writings to be reminded of your great accomplishments.
Limit Social Media and External Influences
If the use of social media is important to you, one way to manage the influence of social media on you and your followers is to evaluate and curate your feed. This means intentionally unfollowing or muting accounts that make you feel inadequate. Take it one step further and commit to posting only things that will elevate and uplift those who might read your posts. Make it your goal to inspire others to want to become a better version of themselves.
It is also important to set social media boundaries. Limit the amount of time you spend on social media and consider taking regular breaks from social media. Commit to following accounts that inspire and uplift you.
Practice Gratitude
Start a daily gratitude journal in which you write down things you are grateful for each day. This shifts your focus to the positive aspects of your life, and forces you to become more aware of those things in your daily life that really are wonderful. This practice helps you appreciate your journey, and helps you reflect on how far you’ve come and the unique experiences that have shaped you.
Develop a Growth Mindset
Embrace the joy of learning. Rather than feeling intimidated or jealous of other’s accomplishments, begin to view others’ successes as opportunities to learn rather than benchmarks for your own worth. Ask yourself, “Why does that person have such a strong grasp of that topic? What can I do to improve my understanding of that topic?” Be careful not to compare your level of knowledge to someone else’s level of knowledge. It is not about “how much” you know. It is about “how you use” what you know.
Focus on Your Strengths
One of the most important steps in self-awareness and higher self-worth is to identify your strengths. There are several ways to do this, but first begin by making a list of the strengths and skills of which you are presently aware. Then, approach a loved one or trusted friend and ask them to tell you how they see you. Make a list if necessary, and record this in your journal. Study this list, and regularly remind yourself of the strengths and gifts you have identified.
You are not done once you have identified your strengths. Now it is important to focus on using your strengths. Find ways to use and develop your strengths in your daily activities and goals. Start slow, implementing an incremental process of stretching and growing to improve and increase your skills and abilities. One way to do this is to find a community course that will challenge you and offer you the knowledge you need to develop and cultivate the skill of which you have chosen to focus.
Surround Yourself with Positive Influences
You are probably very aware of the quote, “No man (or woman) is an island.” There is more truth to that the more we uncover the damaging effects of isolation and loneliness. Surrounding yourself with a supportive community is the most productive way to increase your view of yourself and your view of the world. Spend time with people who support and encourage you, and let those you trust know that you are working on self-improvement. There is nothing more powerful than hearing encouragement and support from a loved one or trusted friend.
The one thing to keep in mind is to seek inspiration from your trusted friends and loved ones, not competition. Look for role models who inspire you to be your best self without feeling the need to compete with them. The modeling they offer should be seen as examples of possibilities and options to build upon your own strengths. You are not striving to be someone else, you are striving to be a better, new and improved you!
Mindfulness and Meditation
A very powerful way to counter the temptation to compare yourself to others is to practice mindfulness. This requires you to focus within yourself, rather than focusing outside of yourself. Mindfulness allows you to stay in the “here and now” and to expand your awareness of how your body is feeling, thoughts and inspiration that is coming to you right now, and gratitude for the good things in your life… right now. Engage in mindfulness exercises to stay present and avoid ruminating on comparisons.
Ponder and reflect, and cultivate the ability to meditate by tuning out the noise and distractions of the world. Set aside electronic devices and other external stimuli. Regular meditation can help calm your mind and reduce the urge to compare yourself to others. It can also help you focus on the things you are accomplishing which instantly provides a greater sense of well-being.
Seek Professional Help if Needed
Sometimes seeking the help of a professional is necessary to jump-start the process of conquering the comparison trap. A therapist can help you understand the root causes of your comparisons and develop healthier thinking patterns. There are many types of support groups led by qualified facilitators that provide a sense of community and shared experiences.
Create Personal Affirmations
Developing positive affirmations is a great way to stay steady on the path of self-awareness and greater well-being. Begin with your list of strengths you identified earlier and regularly recite affirmations that reinforce your worth and uniqueness. Statements such as, “I know I am a kind person, and a very loyal friend,” or “I have the ability to feel and offer compassion to others,” or “I am a pretty great writer, and I tell compelling stories.” Visual reminders can also serve as positive affirmations. Place visual reminders of your affirmations or goals where you can see them daily.
Remember, everyone’s journey is different, and comparing yourself to others can detract from your own unique path. By focusing on your growth, practicing gratitude, and surrounding yourself with positive influences, you can reduce the urge to compare and cultivate a healthier self-image.
