THE DAMAGE OF RUMORS AND GOSSIP
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
Imagine a scene that might be quite familiar to you. You are sitting with a group of friends at lunch, and one of them spontaneously brings up some new information about someone that could not join your group that day. The news is shocking, and you feel sick to your stomach the moment they began to disclose such awful news. The biggest problem is this person they were talking about has become a very dear friend to you. The group does not know you are close to the person they are talking about so you think that may be why they feel free to share such disturbing information.
You sit quietly listening, but not sure what to do. You don’t want to stop or interrupt them for fear they would be offended by you. The biggest problem is that your dear friend had shared this information with you in private and asked that you protect the information because they are a very private person. Your friend would be humiliated if the news became public. How do handle this situation without sounding critical or self-righteous, and damaging your relationship with these friends you value so much?
Unfortunately, this happens all too often. Rumors, gossip, and public criticism of others is becoming more prevalent and difficult to avoid. It is easy to become desensitized to the point of not even noticing when something is said that can be harmful and damaging for those who are being discussed without them being present. Anything surprising, shocking, or stunningly newsworthy captures attention on social media and other news outlets. In this scenario, the information being shared was about your dear friend, and information was sacred to them and offered to you with a request for privacy and protection.
One way to deal with moments like this is to lead by example. When the conversation starts veering toward gossip, steer it into a new direction by introducing a new topic or asking a question unrelated to the gossip. You might even let people know you are concerned about sharing such delicate information without the person present. Your concern that they might be offended is a misunderstanding about the power of leading by example.
You might say, “It sounds like this is sensitive information and I would be humiliated if I learned others were sharing this without me being present.” Sometimes people don’t realize the harm gossip can cause. It is very likely that the group you were with didn’t recognize the sensitive nature of the information. Maybe they did recognize it as private and sensitive, but humans are drawn to sensational news. You can gently teach the principle of avoiding gossip by openly expressing your desire to refrain from talking about others without them present.
RUMORS VS. GOSSIP
While gossip and rumors might be seen as the same thing, rumors can be positive or negative portions of information or a sensational story with no reliable facts to back up the information. Sometimes rumors can be exciting, generate hope, and can create great levels of anticipation such as promotions, engagements, or awards. However, without facts to back up the information, they are useless and fleeting. Once the rumor is proven wrong, the person who provided the false information experiences loss of respect from those who initially received it.
Gossip is an even more damaging process of communication that involves taking rumors or even factual evidence and sharing it without the permission of the person being discussed. Gossip is often shared with the intent of alienating, degrading, or defaming a person’s reputation. People often resort to gossip because they believe it will bring excitement to the party, enrich the conversation, and it somehow elevates their level of importance as they broadcast the “news.”
What may be surprising is how difficult it can be to tell rumor and gossip from truth. Even people who are Internet-savvy can have trouble telling what's real and what's not. It can also be tough to tell the difference between factual news and advertisement. As a result, people sometimes give more weight to what they see in their social media feed than what they get from more credible news sources.
Avoiding gossip or spreading rumors can be challenging, especially in environments where it is prevalent. Here are some strategies to help you steer clear:
1. Lead by Example: Demonstrate respectful and positive communication. Avoid participating in gossip yourself and set a standard for others to follow.
2. Address It Directly: If you hear someone gossiping, address it calmly and assertively. You can say something like, "I prefer not to discuss others when they're not here," or "Let's focus on more positive topics."
3. Set Boundaries: Let people know that you don’t appreciate gossip and would rather engage in more constructive conversations.
4. Educate Others: Talk about the damaging impact gossip can have on group relationships. When we hear a group of friends sharing gossip, we naturally lose trust and assume that they will likely talk about us when we are not there. The strength of the bond within the group of friends weakens and can even crumble the group’s connection altogether.
5. Be Supportive: Offer support to those who are the subject of gossip. Encourage them to address any issues directly with the person involved if they feel comfortable doing so.
6. Focus on Solutions: If gossip is stemming from a particular problem or issue, and the problem is in your realm or responsibility, work towards finding a solution instead of dwelling on the problem.
7. Build Trust: Cultivate an environment of trust and respect where people feel valued and heard, which can reduce the inclination to gossip.
Most importantly, once you take this lead, others will have greater respect for you. Instantly, they will personally feel safer in their friendship with you because they know you value keeping confidences.
