SURVIVING THE FAMILY REUNION

Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT

So, your invitation has arrived. Your family reunion is happening late this summer. Your first reaction is, “No! I can’t survive another one of those with unbelievably angry Uncle ______ and/or critical and judgmental Cousin ______.” You feel terrified about the idea of attending because of painful past experiences. You could just ignore the invitation and not attend, but you also know that if you don’t go it might cause even greater rifts and unrest in other family members.

Maybe your family typically gathers every year, or every other year, but there have been some relationship rifts and ruptures along the way, and you have no idea how to prevent more explosions within certain relationship circles.

Family reunions can be beautiful and deeply meaningful—but also really challenging. Here are some of the main difficulties people often face:

Every family has a collection of personalities, conflicting values, and a variety of beliefs. Families are diverse in politics, religion, or lifestyle differences which can create friction, especially when people feel the need to express or defend their views.

Often, old dynamics resurface, and we arrive with unrealistic expectations. No matter how much time has passed, people often fall back into old roles—like the peacemaker, the black sheep, the golden child. This can stir up buried tension or unresolved feelings. We might hope that a reunion will bring healing, closeness, or joy—but if others don’t share that same goal, disappointment can follow.

It is also important to consider any grief or loss the family has experienced. The absence of a loved one who has passed recently can bring an entirely different mood to the gathering. People grieve in differing ways, so it is important to be prepared for the variety of emotions that will likely influence conversations. Missing family members, either through death, estrangement, or distance, can cast a shadow. Grief sometimes bubbles up unexpectedly during reunions.

Many approach the reunion feeling pressure to “get along,” and ignore any tension that arises.  There’s often an unspoken rule to keep things light or polite, which can suppress authenticity. That emotional tightrope can be draining.

Another aspect of the planning and logistics include financial strain on those who may not have the freedom to travel or pay for accommodations during the stay. Travel, time off work, food, accommodations—it adds up. Some may feel burdened while others seem carefree, which can cause resentment. 

How to Make Reunions More Meaningful (and Less Stressful):

As you consider the list of challenges all family reunions can face, it is entirely possible to create a memorable and emotionally safe experience. The following is a list of things for you to consider. 

Prepare for the Experience

Set intentions: Ask yourself: What do I want from this time? Connection? Peace? Just to survive it? Having clarity helps guide your behavior and expectations. If all you hope for is to be able to remain confident in the midst of difficult personalities, then set that as your expectation. It is not helpful to set your intention that everyone will be kind, gracious, and accepting. However, it is powerful when you set your intention to bring light to someone else’s day, and to influence someone who might need encouragement.

Prepare emotionally: Recognize that you are not likely to be the only one attending with a level of angst and fears. As you imagine the gathering, imagine that everyone else at the gathering is also worried about interactions and safe connection. Think ahead about what might trigger you and how you’ll respond. Practice calm answers to awkward or intrusive questions.

Talk to a trusted person: Share your fears and concerns with someone you trust before going. This processing helps you feel grounded going in. You may want to consider asking a “safe other” to accompany you, who already knows how difficult these gatherings are for you. This could be someone who knows the challenges of the past and knows you might come across difficult personalities who trigger your emotions. Let them know you need their companionship and support in those moments. Emotionally, you will feel stronger and better able to offer yourself compassion.

During the Gathering

Set boundaries: It’s okay to excuse yourself or limit your time. Some people thrive by spending energetic time with others, however, it is entirely healthy and natural for some people to prefer limiting their social time with others and look for more quiet, private time alone. Balance is key.

If someone crosses a line, it’s okay to say something like,

“Let’s talk about something lighter,” or “I’d rather not go into that right now.”

Focus on the people who fill your cup: Seek out the relatives or friends you genuinely enjoy and spend time with them. It’s okay not to engage deeply with everyone.

Focus on shared history: Look at photos, tell stories—connect through what unites rather than divides. Invite newer family members to bring photos, stories, etc., from their family of origin.

Practice empathic listening: Everyone brings their own baggage.  Validate the presence of grief, and instead of offering advice, offer compassion and a listening ear.

Stay present: Try not to fix the past. Just be in the now. It’s healthy to reminisce, but when newer members of the family are present, focus on building new bonds and include them. 

Take breaks: Step outside, help in the kitchen, or hang out with the kids. Little breaks can recharge your energy and help you stay present.

Be curious, not defensive.

Sometimes listening with curiosity (“That’s interesting—tell me more”) can diffuse tension and avoid debates.

Give grace: To others and to yourself.

After the Gathering

Reflect: Review in your mind what went well. Try to recall moments when you felt important, valued, and respected. Also, review what drained you? What happened, or what was said that caused you to feel discomfort, disappointment, or made you feel small. You can utilize this review process to prepare better for next time.

Replenish: Do something that restores your energy: a walk, journaling, prayer, or a nap.

Celebrate wins: Celebrate the fact that you exercised courage to attend the event, and focus mostly on the good things that happened, and the strengths you brought with you. Even if you just stayed calm or avoided an argument—those are wins.

MOST IMPORTANT: These principles can only be applied by each individual. You cannot fully control the mood and atmosphere of the collective group. Set appropriate expectations, set a powerful example, and let go of any idea that the reunion will be without “bumps” and “barriers” along the way.