How To Build Emotional Resilience

Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT

When you hear the word “emotional,” what comes to mind? Often people will tell me they think of someone who is overwhelmed, sad, out of control, or some other negative connotation. Others may think of the term positively and welcome the idea of feeling emotional. 

Often, a client will come to me and say, “I have a problem for which I need your help. I am told I am too emotional.” I always respond with a question: “Could it be that you have the Spiritual Gift of Sensitivity?” This reframe of the term “emotional,” is always a comfort to those who once thought they had a disorder, and within seconds begin to see this as a gift. 

Spiritual Gifts are treasures from God, and powerful tools we are to use in navigating this world of strife, challenges, and responsibilities that otherwise could seem insurmountable. When we identify our Spiritual Gifts, we are then expected to cultivate, expand, and nurture the gift such that it allows us to become a powerful instrument in the Lord’s hands. 

Let’s make a list of emotion words, and I will place them on this chalkboard. First, I will draw a dotted line, horizontally across the middle of the board dividing it into two sections: top, and bottom. The list will look something like the following:  

Rejection, resentment, contempt, jealousy, anger, rage, blame, frustration, indifference, overwhelmed

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sad about disconnection, lonely, shame, (feeling unworthy of love), inadequate, desperate, abandoned, afraid, grief, disappointed, 

hurt, hopeless.

As you look at this list of emotions, it might be difficult to determine why they are separated by the dotted line. What are the criteria that I used to divide the emotions by the line? The top emotions are typically those we see and can identify in ourselves and in others. They are harder, more powerful emotions, and discernable on people’s faces, in their body language, in their tone of voice, etc. 

The emotions beneath the dotted line are what I consider “basement emotions,” and those that we may not be able to see in others. We might be seated next to someone during a church service, and not have a clue that the other person is suffering sadness, loneliness, disappointment, or grief. Even more important is that we might be experiencing these same emotions ourselves, but not recognize it within our own emotional experience. 

The point of this exercise is that emotions are an essential part of our journey here on earth. We are spiritual beings, and our spirits are emotional in nature. When we have a spiritual experience, we are also having a deeply moving emotional experience. 

One other aspect of this list of emotions is that no emotion is bad. Some, which are highlighted in red, are damaging and when unchecked can cause us to bruise someone else’s spirit. For example, contempt is an emotion that when imposed on someone else, can cause such damage that the person feels unsafe to be around the person conveying contempt. Rage is in the same category, in that rage is an escalation of unchecked anger can lead to abuse and severe emotional damage for those who experience it from loved ones and others. Shame is an evaluation of our worth, and when we feel shame, we feel unworthy of love and belonging, again, an emotion that is unhealthy, unwelcome, and essential to uncover and address. 

Emotions are an Essential Tool in My Work

Research has uncovered that processing of emotions is the key tool to use in:

• Conquering addictions

• Healing from PTSD

• Repairing a broken marriage

• Reducing conflict in family relationships

• Building and empowering healthier business relationships

• Empowering business relationships with colleagues and employees

However, even more important is the fact that understanding our own emotions, making sense of our emotions, and managing them assists us in:

• More easily recognizing moments of personal revelation

• Better able to interpret the meaning and guidance of personal revelation

• Growing closer to, and becoming more like the Savior

What is Emotional Resilience?

Many studies have been done on what it takes to become more emotionally resilient, and researchers have also examined what it takes to become more emotionally resilient. The first step in understanding and embracing the principles of becoming more emotionally resilient is to clearly define what it means to be resilient. 

The word resilience comes from the Latin word, ‘resilio’ which means ‘to bounce back.’ One researcher defined emotional resilience in the following way:

“Emotional resilience is an art of living that is entwined with self-belief, self-compassion, and enhanced self-awareness. It is the way through which we empower ourselves to perceive adversities as ‘temporary’ and keep evolving through the pain and sufferings.” (Marano, 2003)

This description of emotional resilience seems to parallel beautifully with our understanding of the purpose of our lives here on earth. It is in line with our Heavenly Father’s Plan of Happiness as it suggests that the process of developing emotional resilience requires navigating the rough waters of life, and enduring painful challenges. The goal for each of us is to become more like the Savior, and to cultivate and develop our divine identity as future gods and goddesses. 

Emotional resilience is required of us if we expected to remain diligent and committed to our covenants with God, and loyal to our loved ones even when life tosses us a painful curve ball. The challenges of life can disrupt peace, destroy calm, and interfere with our most carefully laid plans. Researchers have found three essential steps in the process of becoming more emotionally resilient. Those three steps include:

1. Acknowledging our emotions

2. Making sense of our emotions

3. Managing our emotions

I approached the research with two very important questions: 1) What does it take to build emotional resilience? 2) What sets apart heroes and survivors who have strong emotional resilience from those who do not have emotional resilience. I examined the following populations of heroes:

• Soldiers imprisoned during the Vietnam War

• Military Special Forces Instructors and Soldiers

• Green Berets and Navy Seals

• Police Officers

• Emergency Room Doctors

• Front-Line Volunteers

• Survivors of tragedy and trauma who were not trained previous to the events

The most important thing that stood out among all of these people is the fact that building emotional resilience is a process, and not a destination. These people had to cultivate, condition, and build upon a foundation of the desire to rise up and not only survive, but to protect others in the face of life-threatening situations. 

Secondly, I found that emotional resilience involves Four Essential Principles:

1. Physical Health

2. Mental Health

3. Social Health

4. Spiritual Health

PRINCIPLE #1: PHYSICAL HEALTH

Physical Fitness and Healthy Living Is Directly Correlated With Strong Emotional Resilience. 

During COVID-19, a study was done that examined how the pandemic affected resilience with respect to exercising. Researchers had to control for the social aspect of exercise. They also wanted to examine the most vulnerable population of people who highly value social experiences. Those within the ages of 12 and 18 are naturally most interested in socializing with friends. The pandemic created the perfect control environment since those within that age group could not go to school, could not go to the gym, and had to exercise alone or at home (Lancaster & Callahan, 2022). 

Most studies show the socialization of exercise builds resilience, but in this case, they found that those who exercised in isolation were more emotionally resilient than those adolescents who did not exercise. 

It is interesting to note that survivors interviewed by researchers and asked about their exercise habits found a significant correlation with survival of trauma and a regular habit of exercise. Many survivors reported believing that staying fit helped them during the traumatic ordeal, as well as during their recovery process. Some even credited physical exercise with saving their lives. 

The Stress of Exercise Helps Us Adapt to the Stress of Life Challenges.

During aerobic exercise, our heart rate increases, we sweat more, and we experience more rapid breathing. Researchers found that those who are typically anxiety sensitive can benefit from the conditioning of aerobic exercise. Over time, the “anxiety sensitive” individual who continues to exercise vigorously becomes more comfortable with the increase in symptoms of rapid heart rate, sweating, and rapid breathing. The fear that these symptoms used to trigger slowly slips into non-existence. 

PRINCIPLE #2: MENTAL HEALTH

We all have, inside of our heads, what I call a Negative Committee. Imagine going about your normal day, when suddenly your Inner Critic calls a Negative Committee meeting to order. You didn’t authorize this meeting. No one checked with you first, and in fact, the meeting is being held in your private mental space and you have no choice except to attend. 

This is not a new experience—in fact, you’re quite familiar with the dialogue, because meetings like these are held in your head on a regular basis, called at various times throughout your day, and typically happen at the most inconvenient moments. 

You listen to the proceedings of the meeting, and your Inner Critic seems to be especially activated today. Your Inner Critic is speaking firmly, and the conversation is unruly and a bit harsh. 

You notice that the theme of the meeting is not only angry but zeroed in on you—and attacking you! As you focus more on what is said, you become painfully aware that it’s all a commentary on your mistakes, your flaws, and your shortcomings. Maybe it’s about something embarrassing that you did or said recently. Maybe this time, they’re discussing the fact that you are incapable, not enough, and certainly will never measure up to much of anything. 

As the meeting comes to a discouraging close, you feel resigned to the fact that the discussion was filled with painful truths. As has happened way too many times before, you are finding it so tempting to quickly buy into their negative messages. 

Those beliefs about yourself, after all, are hardwired into your brain, and you take them with you wherever you go. You never know when the Negative Committee meetings will resume, but each time the meeting ends, particularly if it convened on what was already a hard day, you may even find yourself buying into the devastating belief that you are inadequate, flawed, and perhaps even a pathetic, disordered mess! 

You might read through the minutes to the meeting and find the following statements:

• This challenge is terrible and will last forever (will never go away).

• I will never get this task done (I am inadequate or incapable).

• Terrible things ALWAYS happen to me.

• I can’t trust anyone or anything to go my way.

• Bad things happen and they are always my fault.

• I’m terrible at this... I am terrible at that (I have no talents).

When you listen to, and begin to believe those thoughts, they become your belief system, and your reality, and you begin to live within that framework. It is important to see those statements as “lies” about you, and detrimental to your emotional resilience. 

When researchers interviewed survivors of life-threatening scenarios, they found a balance of positivity to realism, and uncovered a ratio of 3:1. The survivors seemed to find a way to be realistic about the world but believed in their ability to conquer or navigate the challenges. Those who can adopt that ratio of positivity vs. realism recognize the importance of examining the negative absolutes and are able to find replacements for those thoughts. 

Some positive shifts in thinking might include:

• Bad things are temporary.

• Hard things happen occasionally, but I have the resources to conquer this. 

• Bad things have a specific cause and are not universal.

• It’s not my fault... or it is my fault, I am human, and I can do better.

• I am good at this but today is not my lucky day. 

What Are Special Forces Soldiers and Police Officers Taught to Think When in the Face of Life-Threatening Situations? 

I was interested to learn what these soldiers and heroes are taught to think. They are subjected to physical training, but I wanted to know what thoughts they are conditioned to think... what do they learn to tell themselves to survive, and complete their most dangerous missions? I uncovered some consistencies in all trainings:

• “I may be scared, but I can learn from this.”

• “This is a Test that is going to make me stronger.”

My Grandson’s Taser Experience

Our grandson served a full-time mission for the Church. He is a remarkable young man, 6 ½ feet tall, incredibly strong, physically fit, and very mature for his age. He is not perfect, but considering the four essential principles of emotional resilience, he is remarkably balanced and well on his way to establishing and building his own emotional resilience. 

Shortly after returning home, he announced he wanted to join the police force. He proceeded to do all he could to be accepted and was admitted to the Police Academy training program. I did not know what the training program was like until one day when I received a text video of him being tasered by his commanding officers! My reaction was, “What? This is abuse!! Wait... is this real?” 

I learned that the police officers have a variety of weapons and tools positioned on their body when they are on duty, and the officers must be wise and careful in their judgment of which weapon to use in certain dangerous situations. They have to think on their feet and cannot afford hesitation as that may cause them to lose their life, or prevent them from saving another’s life. They are also expected to understand what it is like for the suspect to experience a taser hit. Thus, the taser experience is built into their training program.  

Similar to any soldier in a training program, Reace not only had to be physically capable of enduring the taser hit, he also had to prepare himself emotionally. He had to go through the same process by telling himself, “I may be scared, but I will learn from this. This is a test that will make me stronger.” Even more importantly, in order to prepare emotionally, he had to capture in his mind, and visualize his main objective which has always been, “I feel an urgency and a ‘calling’ to protect lives and defend the law.”

In the Face of Danger, almost 100% of the Time, Things Won’t Go As Planned

The moment a Navy seal boards the ship, or a special operations soldier accepts the mission, they know there is a very real possibility they will face their enemy or a life-threatening situation. What do these soldiers do in the face of danger? The following is what they DO NOT do:

• Stop to complain

• Throw up their hands and say, “This is just too hard.”

• Give up and run in the opposite direction

If the soldiers were to do any of these things, they know they would almost certain be killed or put the other soldiers and victim’s lives in danger. They DO have a very specific sequence of thoughts and steps that happens quickly the moment danger appears. 

They are trained to:

• Acknowledge the difficult situation

• Keep calm (even while experiencing a racing heart rate, rapid breathing, and considerable stress in their body)

• Evaluate the situation rationally

• Formulate a plan and Act swiftly

• Visualize their objective—the “Why”

What is your main objective? When you have faced a challenge, or in your present trials of life, do you know what your objective is? When we are able to visualize and remain focused on our “Why” we are able to navigate the rough waters of life and push through the pain of our challenges. 

PRINCIPLE #3: SOCIAL HEALTH

Our Brains Need Connection with Others in Order to Function Optimally

Humans have a universal need for connection, and research has found that when humans are isolated, they experience severe mental health issues. In the 1940’s just following WWII, the orphans who were left because of their parent’s being killed in the war were housed in American Hospitals. The officials were alarmed because the children were dying in droves. They were being given food, clothing, and shelter, but the children were not thriving, and in fact were dying. 

Scientists began to investigate and study what might be happening. They found that these children were lacking affection, touch, and socialization, and without those things they were giving up and dying. This uncovered the very real, essential need of connection for all human beings, regardless of age or developmental stage of life. 

Oxytocin: The Bonding Hormone

Hundreds of studies have been done on the hormone oxytocin. Researchers have found that when premature infants are given synthetic oxytocin while in the incubator, they grow faster and are released to go home sooner. Hospitals are using oxytocin as a pain management, and cancer patients are experiencing an enhancement in their immune system as a result of doses of oxytocin. 

Each of us can experience oxytocin because it is a natural physiological process in our bodies. Oxytocin is a beautiful gift from God, and I believe is intentionally instilled in our bodies to assist us in the bonding and connecting process. We can experience this release through connection with another human being. Oxytocin is released in multiple situations including:

• Lingering touch (holding hands or any form of physical touch)

• Lingering hugs lasting longer than 10 seconds

• Eye contact (longer than a glance)

• Close physical proximity

Another essential fact about oxytocin is that when we are under stress, our brain signals the release of the stress hormone cortisol. Oxytocin directly impacts cortisol and counters the damaging effects of cortisol on our major organs. Basically, oxytocin calms us and helps reduce the effects and sensation of stress. Overall, it appears that oxytocin is a powerful hormone that promotes closeness, connection, and bonding in humans, while also healing our bodies from the impact of challenges of life. 

Experimenting With Oxytocin

You can experience oxytocin right now. Would you like that? If you are seated next to a loved one, or a dear friend, turn and look into each other’s eyes and hold the gaze for a moment. (Laughter, giggles, quiet chatter) It is a powerful experience, right? If you are seated next to your sweetheart, your spouse, or someone to whom you are committed, I invite you to take each other’s hand and rest in that position for a moment. Notice how your body feels... you are likely experiencing a release of oxytocin due to the connection with your loved one. 

Admiral Robert Shumaker—POW Prisoner of Vietnam War

Admiral Robert Shumaker was imprisoned and isolated in a prison camp in Hanoi, Vietnam. He was held in isolation for 8 years until he was finally released. In the early weeks and months of his imprisonment, he developed what they now call the “Tap Code.” This intentional and rhythmic code became a language, and by tapping on the wall of his cell, his fellow prisoners were able to hear it and communicate back to him. This powerful process of connection helped prisoners avoid the suicidal ideation or attempts to take their own life as a result of prolonged isolation and starvation. The language of this code provided a critical lifeline that allowed scores of prisoners to connect and bond with one another.

Connecting Through Service

In a statement by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, he suggested that in the process of service we are literally changed. He said:

“As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit.” 

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Are My Hands, April 2010

Elder Uchtdorf is teaching us that serving others is a reciprocal gift in that when we reach outside of ourselves, we experience the healing balm of happiness, peace, and personal revelation. It would seem to me that we would long for opportunities to offer help, comfort, and compassion to others as we understand the power and impact on our own emotional resilience. 

Laurence Gonzales wrote the book, “Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why.” He interviewed survivors and uncovered a very interesting phenomenon in those who rose up and lifted others in the midst of the trial or tragedy. He found that helping someone else is the best way to ensure your own survival. He said it takes you out of your own fears or misery, helps you rise above your own fears, and removes you from the status of victim. Instead, you become the helper, and as you witness the buoying up of others due to your service and compassion, you, yourself are buoyed up. He found that even those who were in isolation reported that they were surviving and striving to remain alive because they visualized their desire to get home to take care of their mother, wife, boyfriend, daughter, etc. 

PRINCIPLE #4: SPIRITUAL HEALTH

Emotionally Resilient People Have a Strong Moral Compass

Special Forces soldiers, police officers, and frontline first responders report having a strong sense of right and wrong. They report having an urgency to protect and comfort others, and to defend the laws that protect society. This seems to me to be so consistent with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which guides us, and helps us become more Christlike, more resilient, and better able to lift and build others. 

Emotionally Resilient People Find Meaning and Purpose in their Daily Life

Researchers investigating the difference between those who burnout from their careers vs. those who rise up and thrive have found some interesting and distinct differences in the mindset of the “thrivers.” They do not have jobs, they have “callings.” These individuals report that their daily responsibilities are a part of their mission and purpose that provides meaning to the work. Meaning and purpose drives them and assists them in facing the tough days or those times when things do not go the way they planned. 

This is true, even for those whose work might be considered “dirty work.” Hospital workers were asked what gave them the drive and determination to go to work each day and perform such unpleasant duties. It is useful to discuss what happens in the aftermath of a surgical procedure. The patient is disconnected from IV’s, vital sign monitors, and other life support. They are wheeled out, the nurses leave, the doctors leave, and all that is left is a room filled with blood-stained floors, bandages and guaze everywhere, and dirty linens to be changed. 

When the hospital workers were interviewed, their description of their “calling” is powerfully moving. Some described a sense of awareness of what their work provides for the patients who must go through surgery, emergency procedures, or other medical necessities to preserve life and improve health. One worker said, “I keep in mind that something remarkable and possibly lifesaving happened in that room the minutes before I arrive. I sometimes feel like it is even a sacred space, and a privilege for me to prepare the room for the next patient.” 

Ultimately, Growing Closer to the Savior and Striving to Become more Like Him Empowers Our Ability to Manage Emotions and Become More Resilient

Elder David A. Bednar discussed how to recognize Christlike character in ourselves and others. I have taken the liberty to insert emotional resilience to emphasize the statement I just made.

“Perhaps the greatest indicator of character [emotional resilience] is the capacity to recognize and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. [Emotional resilience] is revealed, ...in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress. Thus, Christ-like character [and emotional resilience] is demonstrated by looking and reaching outward when the natural and instinctive response is to be self-absorbed and turn inward.”

A Christlike Character By Elder David A. Bednar BYU–Idaho Religion address, January 25, 2003.

This presentation has been prepared with the urgency and desire to offer you hope and direction. You will not instantly achieve emotional resilience as a result of writing down these four essential principles, 1) Physical Health; 2) Mental Health; 3) Social Health; and 4) Spiritual Health. Emotional resilience requires a life-long journey of cultivation, practice, and navigating trials and tribulations. The process is a journey and not a destination. It is my hope that by understanding the four essential principles that are so important to incorporate in this journey, you will launch into a smoother path. 

It is my hope that all along the journey you will find memorable experiences of joy, moments of peace, and most importantly precious healing for your soul which has been bruised by the harsh realities of this earthly life. I bear witness that the Savior lives, that He loves us, and that He wants to ease our burdens and lift our pain and suffering in the midst of our challenges. His invitation to come unto Him is real and accessible to us... and the only thing required of us is to reach with patience, diligence, courage, and faith. 

(Previously presented for Washington Fields 6th Ward 5th Sunday Presentation including all Adults and Youth)

References

Lancaster, M.R., Callaghan, P. (2022). The effect of exercise on resilience, its mediators and moderators, in a general population during the UK COVID-19 pandemic in 2020: a cross-sectional online study. BMC Public Health 22, 827 https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-022-13070-7

Marano, H. E. (2003, May 1). The Art of Resilience. Psychology Today. Retrieved February 1, 2023, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200305/the-art-resilience