HOW CAN I OVERCOME ANGER?
By Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
Anger is a completely normal and natural human emotion. It’s a response to perceived threats, injustices, or frustrations, and can serve as a protective mechanism when something feels wrong or unfair. Anger can motivate us to take action or address problems that need to be resolved. However, I have worked with clients who are struggling with anger management, and sometimes they come to me long after it has blown into dangerous levels and they are desperate for help. The following is an overview of a situation in which an adult male was about to lose a lifelong friendship. This is what he told me during the intake session:
CLIENT’S STORY: “Recently, one of my golf buddies told me they were embarrassed by my angry outbursts. I have to admit I was surprised at his bold accusation and stood there dumbfounded and speechless. However, while strolling between holes he said, ‘I’m telling you this because sometimes it is so hard to be around you. I don’t want to lose our friendship, but if this doesn’t change, I can’t do this anymore.’ I was crushed! I wanted to defend myself and point out that he was being too sensitive. But to be honest, I have been aware of this for quite some time, and multiple times I have had to apologize to my adult kids for something I said without taking a breath and filtering it beforehand. Now I am worried I can’t relax and be myself around anyone. Is it possible to fix this? Can I overcome my anger?”
My answer for this struggling client was simple. “Yes, absolutely. You can overcome anger, but it starts with awareness of the root causes, and then it takes patience and practice.”
While anger itself is normal, how we express it and deal with it is crucial. When managed well, anger can be constructive, helping to set boundaries or bring about positive change. But if it’s left unchecked or expressed in harmful ways, it can lead to problems in relationships, work, and overall well-being.
Learning to manage and express anger in healthy ways is key to ensuring it doesn’t negatively impact your life. Managing anger and frustration can be challenging, but with practice, you can develop strategies to handle these emotions more effectively. Here are a few tips:
Identify the Roots: Sometimes unresolved pain gets shoved aside and we assume it will heal and slip away as time passes. However, this unacknowledged pain results in outbursts of anger when we least expect it. Talking with a trusted other is a healthy way to deal with unresolved pain. Even better is talking with the person we believe hurt us is the most powerful way to heal, and results in greater personal peace and healthy relationships.
Pause and Breathe: When you feel anger rising, take a moment to pause and focus on your breathing. Deep breaths can help calm your mind and body, slows your heart rate, and prepares you to deal with frustrating situations with more wisdom and personal power.
Identify Triggers: Try to identify what triggers your anger. Understanding these triggers can help you anticipate and manage your reactions better. Triggers are events that scrape at “raw spots” in our memory that cause us to instantly feel the pain of the moment we were first injured by the event.
Express Yourself Calmly: Instead of letting anger build up, after pausing, breathing, and processing your thoughts, try to express your feelings calmly and assertively. Use “I” statements to explain how you feel without blaming others.
Take a Break: If a situation is too overwhelming, it’s okay to step away for a bit. This can give you time to cool down and gain perspective. After an alarming event, it takes about 15 minutes for the body to return to its normal calm state. Resolve to address the situation following at least a 15-minute break. You will be much better prepared to resolve the situation than if you attack it immediately.
Practice Relaxation Techniques: Engage in activities that help you relax, such as meditation, yoga, or even a hobby you enjoy. Regular practice can help reduce overall stress and frustration. Mindfully focusing on the present moment is a great way to stay out of anger. This can take as little as 5 minutes, but it prepares you to move into healthy, proactive steps following relaxation.
Reflect on Your Anger: After the moment has passed, think about what made you angry and how you handled it. This reflection can help you improve your responses in the future.
Seek Support: If you find it difficult to manage your anger, talking to a therapist or counselor can provide you with additional strategies and support.
These strategies can help you take control of your emotions, leading to a more positive and calm approach to situations that typically frustrate you. Resolve to manage your anger today by following these simple steps. Find an accountability partner whom you can reach to in those moments when you need to process your frustration. Blow off the steam as soon as possible, and you will uncover a much calmer, healthier, and pleasant you!
