Couple Boundaries and Loyalties

Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT

The process of two adults falling in love and deciding to marry is certainly a life-changing experience. Many couples easily flow from the initial stages of meeting for the first time, spending quality time together to get to know each other, and ultimately committing to an entirely new dyad as a married couple. However, if you and your partner do not understand the importance of personal and relational boundaries, and do not communicate and establish such boundaries early in your relationship, you may be destined to falter and experience greater challenges to your stability and fulfillment. Many marriages crumble and fail due to the failure of not establishing clear boundaries, loyalties, and expectations in the first stages of marital development. Your quest is to strengthen, empower, and nurture your marriage with the goal of thriving. 

Your first stage of growth as a couple is exciting, and many discount or neglect the need for each partner to have a balance of personal space. However, in the ensuing months and years, your need for personal space and balance intensifies. As the newness wears off, and the challenges of married life take hold, the lack of boundaries can erode trust, emotional safety, and security. 

The earliest step you must take as a couple is to leave your family of origin and cleave unto each other. As a new couple you must intentionally replace the strong bond and connection you each had with your parents, siblings, and close friends with a strong bond with your sweetheart in marriage. Ideally, together you will choose and move toward each other as your best friend and confidant, however, this process can take time. It requires awareness of the shift in relational dynamics, understanding the importance of cleaving, and reinforcing the new bond with frequent caring behaviors and connecting moments.  

The Challenge With In-Laws and Loved Ones

Your family members may struggle to understand the shifts in the dynamics of your interactions with them. As they witness you moving into a committed marital relationship, they may feel threatened and fear you slipping away. In order to prevent confusion and painful disappointment, it is essential that as a couple, you set clear boundaries that include figuratively establishing  a wall around you as a married couple, delineating your new couple system. Your couple boundaries must also include windows to the world, and a door that you as a couple can lock at any time. The purpose of the wall is to protect your couple privacy, the purpose of the windows is so you can have access to the outside world, and the locked door is to protect your need for intimacy bonding moments as a couple. 

This process can be difficult for both of you, difficult for your families, and difficult for your close friends, as it can sometimes feel rejecting and disconcerting. Family members and close friends might feel betrayed by you and abandoned in the initial stages of your new marriage. As you spend more time together during the bonding process, you naturally spend less time with your loved ones and friends. However, if the shift in patterns and boundaries does not happen, one or both of you may be set up to feel betrayed by the other, as you perceive your partner’s siblings and close friends are allowed to penetrate what you understand as your couple system. 

Some examples are when one partner confides in their parents instead of their spouse, or when one partner seeks counsel from close friends instead of their spouse, or if there is a practice of keeping secrets from their partner. These patterns and practices of behavior in a lack of boundaries and couple loyalty can result in a serious breach of trust and emotional safety. This also prevents close bonding in a couple’s quest to be unified and empowered as they face the many new challenges of marriage and future parenthood. 

The process of cleaving to each other requires shifting loyalties to ex-spouses, past lovers, extended family members, and other close relationships. Sometimes in-laws and other family members might impose expectations on one or both of you that may go unnoticed by your partner, but cause desperation and feelings of rejection for you. This typically happens if you have not clearly communicated your new couple boundaries to in-laws and loved ones. Your family members and close friends must be given the opportunity to understand and honor your couple boundaries, and this takes practice and patience. Over time, the new boundaries become implicit and more easily honored.  

Establish Couple and Personal Boundaries Early

As any couple approaches their wedding day, one of the most important conversations involves Identifying boundaries each partner wants to implement. It is helpful for each of you to describe why a certain boundary is important to the other, and to understand exactly what the boundary involves. When you are able to communicate those boundaries to your partner with clarity and specifics, it sets both of you up to successfully achieve security and emotional closeness. 

Also, it is important to swiftly address the moments when boundaries are crossed. This can be intimidating and difficult, as you worry that you might hurt or offend your sweetheart. Alerting your partner and swiftly seeking repair is essential to avoid unaddressed hurts that become scars and barriers to closeness. As a couple, you would do well to identify ways you can let each other know a boundary has been crossed without being threatening or punishing. Clarity, directness, and non-threatening discussions can serve as one of the most powerful forms of preventative medicine for the marriage. 

One example is for the partner who feels a boundary has been breached to say, “Hey, that was hard for me when you broke our dinner date to spend time with your brother. I was so sad you didn’t choose me. When you chose to be with him it made me feel like I am second-best to you.” The partner may feel attacked or criticized unless they realize their partner is reaching out to them driven by pain, and with a desperate need to feel heard, valued, and honored as their most important person. This scenario often happens early on as the couple is challenged to establish new priorities. With practice, and awareness of their partner’s hopes and expectations, the couple will settle into ways to balance time between each other and loved ones. For some couples, this happens quickly, but for others it takes time and can be a challenging change in their new world of marriage.

Boundaries and Embracing Differences

In establishing boundaries, you may come across differences in how each of you feels about certain boundaries and expectations. It is important for you to work through differences by seeking understanding of the other’s point of view. Rather than disputing the differences and expecting your partner to let go of their perspective, hopes, and desires, it is better to exercise flexibility. Initially, you may struggle to achieve the ability to allow differences while highlighting and maintaining the strengths and similarities you share. When conflict arises, it is often intensified if one or both of you feels disregarded or as if your hopes and expectations do not matter. 

Another red flag is when one partner focuses on pleasing their partner at the expense of our own values and needs. When this happens, the partner is actually betraying themselves and possibly causing long term hurt and resentment. While it may seem difficult and almost impossible to imagine, it is essential for each partner to honor their personal boundaries, including their own values, while validating their partner’s differing views and opinions.

Boundaries and Sexual Intimacy

Early in the bonding of your couple relationship, it is essential that you identify your personal sexual boundaries and couple sexual boundaries, and find clarity in what is welcome, what is non-negotiable or unacceptable. 

Sometimes couples can get caught in the practice of pressuring their partner to do things they do not feel comfortable with. Passive/aggressive tactics or emotional punishment for not performing what your partner asks or demands of you can damage the security and emotional safety in your relationship. It is much more powerful to openly discuss your sexual relationship to enhance the climate of their emotional safety and connection. Openly explore fantasies, what pleasures you, and get to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level. This will serve you as you enhance, through frequent practice, your sexual connection and ultimate sexual fulfillment. 

Boundaries are a crucial aspect of all healthy marital relationships. Clear boundaries and expectations of loyalty ensure that you and your partner’s needs and limitations are being honored, resulting in greater relationship satisfaction. Couples who establish healthy and clear boundaries also experience better mental health and overall personal stability. As the boundaries are communicated directly and clearly, and when loved ones listen to and honor your wishes as a couple when you share them with loved ones, cultivates and culminates in an overall stronger marriage and more fulfilling family relationships.