Finding the Capacity to Forgive
Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT
When we have been hurt by someone else's actions, it is often most difficult to find the ability to offer forgiveness. Some believe we must offer it immediately or we will be judged insensitive or callous. The assumption is that forgiveness certainly must be offered as soon as possible, and if we can't do that we are "bad" or a "sinner." It has been suggested that if we don’t offer forgiveness swiftly, we will experience the poison of bitterness and even hatred toward the one who hurt us. This is a damaging misunderstanding of the process of being willing and able to offer forgiveness. This concept must be viewed as a process rather than a single event based on logical choice or lacking an understanding as to how our brain logs and stores painful or traumatic events.
Healing from hurt or betrayal is like healing from major surgery or a broken limb. The first phase of healing may require bed rest, pulling back from normal activity and exercise, and a dramatic shift in the routine of life. The body slowly responds to the medicine, sutures, and bandaging and goes to work to remodel and rebuild healthy tissue. Following an extended period of extra care, the body regains stamina in preparation for re-entering normal life. It is important to remember that emotional pain is experienced in the emotion center of the brain, which is interpreted by the brain as physical pain. Could this be why we typically describe our loss using the term “broken heart?” Similar to the healing of our bodies after an injury, the brain requires time to rewire and form new neuropathways while the old neuropathways are desensitized and slowly “slip away.”
The challenge of healing from hurt or betrayal is an emotional journey that requires self-compassion, patience, and reaching out to connect with trusted others. Like the aftermath of surgery, the ability to offer forgiveness may require an extended period of emotional healing before the capacity to forgive can be cultivated. When we allow ourselves to navigate healthy grieving, we will heal more smoothly, more completely, and be more likely to have lasting peace. Additionally, this prepares the way to repair a broken relationship that might otherwise end due to prolonged suffering, pressure to forgive prematurely, and inability to trust based on the rushed process.
The author of The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini described the process in this way: "I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night." The process cannot be rushed, but it can also be a very rewarding journey if those involved in the process understand the rewards of pacing appropriately. In my experience, couples who follow the steps of the healing process following a betrayal, emerge having a much richer and closer relationship than most couples. The healing is more complete, more thorough, and empowering. The painful experience informs and influences their trust, and causes them to be more intentional in their steps to preserve their relationship. Couples I have worked with, later report that they are frequently asked by others, how they achieved such a strong and healthy relationship. Typically, they answer that their healing process required a solid commitment to the healing journey that involved an immense amount of patience, consistency, hard work, humility, and an abundance of empathy and compassion for each other.
This suggests that pain may be taking up a space in our soul that is normal and expected, and once that pain is no longer necessary, space is opened up that allows forgiveness to enter. If you have been hurt by someone else's choices or actions, try to allow your broken heart an added measure of self-compassion, and a space for the ability to offer forgiveness while the pain gently slips away. Watch for the budding of forgiveness, and when it comes... let it in and offer it with insight and wisdom. This step in your healing process—the offering of forgiveness to others—will likely bring you a powerful dose of relief, further healing, and a sweet sense of peace.
