Building Personal Resilience
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
I often hear people say they hope they never have to face another painful trial again. It’s usually following a very difficult experience they had to endure, and they are exhausted, have residual pain, and are still in the healing aftermath of whatever it was they had to face. The problem with this resolve to never face difficulty again is that no one is exempt from the “curve balls of life.” Unfortunately, it is inevitable that all of us will have another storm cross our path, and often without much notice.
I like to suggest looking at the challenges of life from a different angle. What if, instead of hoping you will never face another trial, you begin to focus on building personal resilience within yourself and in your connections with others? The process of building personal resilience is a powerful way to focus on the present moment, the things you actually can control, and an opportunity to invest in your own well-being and self-confidence.
Building resilience is like preventative medicine, such as daily exercise, or incorporating balanced nutrition. Why must we strive to live a healthy lifestyle? Ideally, we do so to feel better physically and emotionally, and to prevent health issues down the road. This type of resilience-building is a way of nourishing and nurturing the core of your true self, and a way to fortify and prepare for a longer, fuller life. It is actually a key principle in building self-worth and inner confidence.
I want to share 6 ways to build personal resilience that are simple, practical principles, but require intentional steps.
1) Embrace Change: The idea of accepting change becomes harder as we grow older. However, our circumstances are always subject to evolution and change. It is helpful to clearly identify things and circumstances of which you can control and identify those things you cannot control. It’s possible that your vision and dreams of the way your life would look when you were young are no longer realistic or obtainable. Shifting your goals and aspirations as the years pass will help you step out of the bondage of limited thinking. Open your mind to new options and possibilities. Allow your dreams and goals to evolve, shift, and possibly even change to a whole new path. This builds a level of resilience around change that can ultimately open doors of opportunity and options you never dreamed would be possible.
2) Nurture Self-Worth: It is proven by solid research that those who have a positive sense of self, and higher levels of confidence tend to navigate trauma, chaos, or dangerous situations with much more strength and resilience. Those who have higher levels of self-worth tend to make better decisions in the middle of a crisis. Focusing on improving your self-worth is the first step, but this principle also requires daily nurturing and preserving your self-worth. This means consistently reminding yourself of your strengths, capabilities, and gifts, and using those strengths, capabilities, and gifts as often as possible.
3) Nurture Connections: When a crisis hits, it is interesting to see how people with strong connections feel embraced and encircled by trusted friends and loved ones. They are more willing to risk and be vulnerable with others, especially in times of crisis. This doesn’t happen by chance. I call this “circling of wagons” something that occurs because of regular investments in connections with others. Nurturing connections also means incorporating spiritual practices such as meditation or pondering. This type of connecting digs deeper into the soul, opens your mind and heart to insight, inspiration, and promptings toward the answers you may desperately need as you face difficulties and challenges.
4) Serve Others: Resilience is cultivated and is a natural result of reaching out in service to others. The very act of reaching outside yourself triggers the brain to release “feel good” hormones including serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. As these hormones course through the body, it causes us to feel good about ourselves, and are natural physical and emotional pain relievers that reduce distress in every part of our bodies. Some find it helpful to become involved in community service, faith-based or humanitarian organizations, or other local support groups. Serving others can be a merciful and peaceful distraction from circumstances we must face that we cannot control.
5) Self-Compassion: It is easy to understand the principle of compassion, which is recognizing someone else’s pain and offering empathy and validation in their moment of need. However, many people neglect the offering of compassion to themselves when they are suffering. Self-compassion means acknowledging our own pain, accepting it as a normal result of disappointment, loss, grief, embarrassment, or other painful or traumatic events. Instead of fighting to push our own pain aside, self-compassion means we give ourselves permission to hurt, and ideally reach to someone for comfort and reassurance. This act of acknowledging your own pain is an act of nurturing resilience as you heal and find relief from the pain much quicker, and even though the disappointment or traumatic experience occurred you can find peace in the journey of healing.
6) Set Personal Goals and Move Toward Them: Identifying personal goals and dreams can be rewarding for a moment. However, many people make their list and then file it away. Nothing is more empowering and resilience-building than taking the decisive steps toward achieving those goals. This process requires dedication, determination, endurance, and will. Each of these characteristics are essential traits of resilience.
These 6 ways to build personal resilience are powerful and rewarding, but they do require decisive action. If all 6 seem overwhelming to you, choose just one to focus on this week. Write it down, commit to yourself to immerse in the process, and don’t forget to pause, breathe, and celebrate as you come to know even more of Your True Self.
