Are You An Introvert, An Extrovert Or An Ambivert?

Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT

You may be asking the question, “Wait… what is an ambivert?” Most individuals identify themselves as an extrovert or an introvert. However, it is rare to find someone who falls on one extreme or the other in the continuum of personality types. If you were asked to describe the extrovert you might be tempted to describe the “class clown,” or the one who loves to party all night and thrives when in the midst of friends, and strangers alike. You might describe an introvert as the “party pooper,” or the one who avoids crowds at all costs. Maybe you believe they are painfully shy or socially inept. Maybe you have always assumed that extroversion is a positive attribute whereas introversion is pathological and something someone must overcome. If you identify as an introvert, maybe you have labeled yourself unacceptable or told yourself, “Something is wrong with me.”

Introverts and Extroverts are Healthy and Normal

Actually, both personality types are normal and not based on pathology or mental health issues. Every human being falls somewhere on the spectrum of introversion or extroversion, and those who fall somewhere in the middle are considered ambiverts. Multiple studies have been done to assess the differences between each personality type/tendency, and ambiverts tend to be more flexible as to their need for social contact versus independent solo time. True introverts require more time away from social stimulation, and extroverts thrive more on high levels of stimulation and social interactions. 

Are Introverts Just Shy?

It is important to note that being shy is a distinctly different personality type than being an introvert. Carla Marie Manly, PhD suggests that the biggest difference between a shy person ad an introvert is their level of fear. A person who struggles with being shy may experience high levels of anxiety in unfamiliar social gatherings, but once they become comfortable in the social setting, they relax and can actually draw energy from those around them. 

The contrast for an introvert from the shy person is that once they enter a social gathering, they do not experience fear, but instead experience an energy drain and after some time they end up feeling depleted by the social experience. 

Could I Be an Outgoing Introvert?

An outgoing introvert might sometimes pass on a social invitation to a large event, but this is not because they are anti-social or fearful of being around groups of people. They typically will pass on the event because they find the event energy-draining and consciously or subconsciously recognize their need to recharge their battery. In fact, if they do accept the invitation, they tend to be quite social and very open once they arrive. Surprisingly, they might actually shine and thrive while in the midst of the large group. 

Dr. Dara Bushman suggests that for the outgoing introvert, it is like a “switch flips on” when they step into the party setting and being at the center of the conversations can actually end up fueling their energy reserve. However, this state of being is usually limited in that after some time their social switch flips off, and they need to retreat in order to recharge their battery reserve. 

Self-Assessment: Introvert or Extrovert

If you are not certain where you land on the spectrum of introversion and extroversion, the following is a simple self-assessment that quickly reveals your personality type. Ask yourself the following question:

If you could design the perfect social gathering, what would your dream social gathering look like?

1. I would invite 100 friends and ask them to bring a friend of theirs to join me for dancing, karaoke, and endless conversations.

2. I would invite 1 or two of my dearest friends to join me for lunch at a quiet restaurant so we can catch up for an hour of bonding.    

Most people quickly relate to either scenario, and it is easy to determine if you fall on one extreme of the continuum or the other. However, there is a possibility that when you asked yourself the assessment question, your answer was something like, “Well… it depends.” If that happened for you, there is a very real possibility you fall into the category of an ambivert. 

How to Determine if You Are an Ambivert (Outgoing Introvert)

1. You may enjoy connecting with others, but you also value time alone as rewarding and regenerating.

While you may love being with your dear friends and associates, you don’t naturally gravitate toward being with friends. They are more likely than you to initiate getting together. You may be less likely to come up with the idea of having that barbecue, however you are likely to accept the invitation if it is extended to you by one of your extroverted friends. You also may have more of a tendency to gravitate toward individualistic hobbies and endeavors. Reading a book, painting a picture, woodworking, or pottery might be more energizing and attractive to you than joining a gym to workout with others, signing up for a workout class, or accepting an invitation to go shopping with friends. 

2. Social gatherings give you a rush of adrenaline, but afterward you feel completely spent and exhausted.

Ambiverts actually enjoy social situations that involve close friends at a birthday party or doing a presentation for colleagues. This is typically due to the fact that you sense you have more control of your environment. The chance of any unanticipated surprises or changes to the agenda is slim to none. You are very good at working the room and floating from one group to another, and you may even end up being the life and focus of the party. However, your ability to hang onto your energy level is limited, and once you approach your “expiration point” you become very aware of your depletion of energy. You are more likely to be one of the first to exit the party. You might have a strong sense of “job well done,” or “mission accomplished” and you have earned your right to step away and head home to your comfort zone. 

3. Your decision as to whether to accept a social invitation depends on your present energy level. 

Extroverts tend to feel energized by social experiences, and they often long to be surrounded by loved ones and friends. They love meeting new people, and often are found seeking to strike up a conversation with a total stranger. The distinct difference between extroverts and outgoing introverts is that extroverts recharge their battery by interactions with others. Outgoing introverts must prepare and prime their energy level prior to social experiences. 

It is important for outgoing introverts to give themselves permission to take the time to recharge their personal energy reserve. The danger is that if they do not take that precious time to prepare, and to set clear and specific boundaries with the purpose of exercising self-compassion and self-care, they often end up burning out and losing their overall mental health and well-being. 

One way to effectively assess for present energy reserves is to review your work week. How many meetings and extra events did you have on your schedule? You may not have noticed the overload of your work week, but once you have reviewed your schedule you may realize you have not spent quality time recharging and replenishing, and you may need to prioritize quiet time.

What if a Couple Finds One is an Extrovert and One is an Introvert?

This combination of a couple that consists of an extrovert and an introvert happens more often than you might think. It is important to first identify and assess where you both fit on the spectrum of extroversion and introversion. Once you have identified where you and your partner fit on that continuum, remember that one is not superior over the other. This is not an assessment to identify who is crazy and who is not, or who is acceptable versus who is not. It is more of an assessment to then determine how to find balance in the couple relationship. 

Until now, you may have felt frustrated with your introverted partner. You may have been confused by your outgoing introverted partner due to the seeming inconsistency of how they see and experience social gatherings. If your partner identifies with being an introvert, it is essential to find ways to honor their need for battery replenishing. Frequently check in with them to be sure they know you understand their need for balance and alone time. Prior to agreeing to any social gathering, make it a habit to check in with each other to prevent depletion of energy reserves, and to ensure that social gatherings are fun and memorable.  Lastly, make a pact or agreement to be acutely aware of each other during the social event, and determine a signal you will both recognize if one or the other of you needs a “time out” or safe exit from the social gathering. Support each other along the way. There is nothing more reassuring than to know that you are not being judged for your personality tendency toward introversion or extroversion.