AGREEING TO DISAGREE
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT
I am often asked how to handle discussions about religion or politics. People want to know what to do when the discussion gets heated and everything spins out of control. A common solution seems to be to avoid topics of religion and politics at all costs. Well, maybe you enjoy healthy debates, and you don’t want to avoid those conversations. I believe with a certain amount of personal preparation by both you and your friend or loved one, you can indeed have that stimulating conversation.
Here is a recent scenario:
“I have a dear friend whom you have known and loved for countless years. We met while attending a grief group, and we found we had so much in common we were instantly bonded. While navigating cancer treatments, she was by my side as often as needed, and I always knew I could count on her to be there for support when things got rough. Recently, when the election campaigns began to flood the news, we were sitting over lunch and she began to voice some seriously concerning views. I have to admit I was shocked and not prepared for my reaction. As I listened to her I felt like she was a stranger, and I felt a growing frustration and resentment clouding the affection I have for her as my dear friend. After a heated debate we left with a resolve to never speak to each other again. I am absolutely crushed! I can’t imagine losing this dear friend. Please help!”
Your situation may be somewhat similar, and this painful situation is all-too-familiar. One of the most challenging aspects of friendship is being able to see our differences as a blessing and not a barrier to respect and admiration for each other. Trying to coexist with others who have different political views than you requires clarity in your values, an abundance of self-confidence in your ability to formulate strong opinions, and the cultivated skill of being able to agree to disagree. The world would be a very boring place if everyone saw everything the same way. Differing opinions can occur even when we share similar values and morals. The truth is that you and your friend came together originally because you found you both had so much in common. Those commonalities have most likely not changed, but the way you see the function of society and how to organize that function may be quite different.
My best advice is similar to what I counsel families to do when gathering for the holidays. Choose topics you both enjoy and focus on discussions that fuel your friendship and promote more closeness and camaraderie. Discussions and debates on various topics do not have to be heated or offensive. Sometimes debates can leave you and your loved ones feeling at odds if you are not respecting each other. There is a way to have healthy communication with a person you disagree with. If you truly desire to discuss politics, there are key principles to keep in mind…
If you enjoy debating issues with your friend, you can do so with some mental preparation. The first step to take in the process of discussing something as controversial as politics is to approach the debate with personal clarity in your own value system. This stabilizes your emotions and prevents you from feeling wobbly or threatened by the differences that surely will emerge. Listen to them without interruption or talking over them. Choosing to talk over someone you're in a debate with will automatically make them feel unheard or not valued. When people start feeling these negative emotions while debating it can lead to yelling and misunderstandings.
Listen with curiosity, as if you are a reporter gathering as much poignant information as possible to create the most comprehensive article. When it is your turn to share your views, the ideal would be that your friend would offer you the same courtesy. Reporters have to learn how to be ethical in a newsroom. This requires personal discipline and internal confidence in your own world views. If you both explicitly “agree to disagree” it will protect your friendship, and can add to the stimulating conversation.
If things start to feel heated, take a deep breath and remember the friend you liked when you first met. Before you knew each other's political views you got along just great. To agree to disagree means to disagree peacefully. It is possible to disagree with someone and be respectful and not to create animosity between the parties involved. Whether you agree or not, a person's political views don't represent who they are as a person.
For example, if someone supports a candidate you don’t support, that doesn’t make them a bad person. The strongest friendships are created when adversity causes you to grow stronger together. It is helpful to examine what has been written about the friendship between Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Although the two had opposing ideological beliefs, they maintained a close and respectful friendship, bonding over a shared love of opera and travel.
Strong debates can feel daunting. It also seems tragic to walk away from a friend you love and respect. You must decide whether your friendship can withstand your differing political views. Your dear friend is someone you have shared intimate special moments with, someone you have created precious memories with, and your bond of friendship is not worth ruining over a difference in opinion when it comes to politics.
